I find it totally amazing how my mood can shift in twenty four hours. Don't get me wrong I am still depressed, I still feel disconnected and out of it but I am no longer crying at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I could barely speak for all the emotion, today I have managed conversation without breaking down.
I have tried to remember today what I find joy in. Sometimes its easy to forget and get so caught up in the feelings of isolation and loneliness that you can't see past them. Its easier to crawl under the duvet than face the world. After reading about Alice and her bucket list in the papers/twitter and facebook I felt a bit of an idiot, putting it very mildly. This poor child at 15 years old is facing the fact that she is terminally ill with cancer. It makes me remember in the bleakest moments that I do have a future and I have a choice how the future unfolds.
I have to take each day at a time at the moment. Some days will be down days and on others I will be happier. I have to let myself know its OK to have the down days. Gradually the down days will become less and the happier days will become more. I make it sound very easy, it isn't I have been here before. I am lucky that I have caught myself before slipping completely into the black hole that is depression. I see myself at the moment as clinging onto the edge of a big abyss. I can choose to let go and fall or I can start making small cautious moves to lift myself out of it.
I've done talking therapies and CBT before but this time at present I can't see how these can be helpful. CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a good therapy. I have been using these techniques for over 10 years. There isn't much that any practitioner could tell me about it. Its great when there is a problem to solve such as building self esteem or confidence, getting over the break up of a relationship or helping coming to terms with a bereavement. Some of you may argue surely you are grieving for your previous way of life? I agree I am but there's no putting me back together again. I can't get back there. I need to deal with the here and now and face up to the reality of the situation.
So I have to find different ways to live the life I want within the limitations of the body which isn't co-operating. For instance today I had planned a few small jobs that I should be able to tackle......normally. Unfortunately the body wasn't going to co-operate, I felt incredibly weak ( as if lead weights had attached themselves to my limbs overnight, sneaky beggars!) Also for some unknown reason my blood pressure has decided to plummet which also makes me feel lousy. So alternative plans had to be made. Instead I did a bit of research on various subjects, did the grocery shopping on line and returned emails that I had been unable to face earlier in the week. It kept me out of trouble for a few hours.
I have to share some lighter stuff with you all after all this doom and gloom.
Firstly it is my firm belief that rum and raisin ice cream should be available on prescription! I love the stuff and with a reduced appetite sometimes its the only thing I fancy eating. I got introduced to Rum and Raisin ice cream at an early age, I have my auntie Ruby to thank for that. I can remember she made me a rum and raisin wafer. I'd never had a wafer before and I was hooked. Wafers may come and go but rum and raisin remains a constant!
I have had a female blackbird hop into my kitchen this week to take shelter from the really heavy rain. I had left the patio doors open so that the dogs could go in and out to the garden as they wished, rather than having to get up for them. I saw Mrs Blackbird in the garden checking my plant pots for slugs and snails and then suddenly the rain went crazy. Well in she popped into the kitchen and sat looking out at the rain! Thankfully all the dogs were asleep at the time otherwise they would have thought breakfast had been delivered. I watched her for a few minutes and then she flew off.
I am not too happy with Mrs Blackbird though as yesterday she helped herself to my one and only nearly ripe strawberry! I had been diligently protecting it from Mollie for a few days. Thankfully there are more on the way. I just hope we humans can get in there first!
Thanks for reading xx