Thursday, 19 July 2018

Down the rabbit hole

What I have been holding my breath waiting for since the start
of the year and all the bereavements we went through
has finally happened. I knew at some point my health
would be impacted and over the last 7 days it’s happened.

I’ve spent a few days in bed this week, purely because
the chest pain on moving and the level of exhaustion
was becoming unbearable. I really hate it when
my health takes a nosedive as it can be months before
I get back to where I was before. The same thing
happened last year when we went through two
bereavements in the space of 6 months. It took me from the
May until the October to get anywhere near where I had
been before.

I hate the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability this creates
within me. I lose all motivation to do anything and just want to
hide away from the world in the hope it will leave me alone.
But it wont and I have to be a grown up and deal with the things
that make me feel uncomfortable.

I am fed up with the professionals in my life telling me that my
body’s  and minds response to this is normal, personally I’d prefer
that they waved a magic wand and made it all go away. However
I know it’s not going to happen so I just need to put my big girls
pants on and get through this.

I am trying desperately hard not to fall down the rabbit hole and
get seriously depressed. I won’t lie I am dealing with depression
and anxiety at the moment. I have lost my sewjo, I have just been
too exhausted and when I have tried to sew I've ended up with
horrendous double vision. Sewing to me since October has
been like breathing so to not be able to currently
do it is frustrating. Hopefully it ( my sewjo ) will return
soon and I will physically be able to do it.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Lifes a bit shit at the moment

Life’s a bit shit at the moment, I find quite often it goes like that.
You can be on top of the world one day and thanking your lucky
stars about how sweet things are and then the universe finds
out and pulls the rug out from underneath you.

I am normally quite honest with my readers but this is stuff I can’t
and won't discuss for the time being. Rest assured hubby and
I are fine as are our babies ( Mollie and Frankie). Its stuff outside
us our little bubble that is impacting us. Its having a massive
impact on my mental health as in my anxiety has spiralled out of
control again, I feel constantly that I am on the verge of a
panic attack if I am not 100% distracted.

I hate holding stuff back as I like to think above all else I am
honest with you but it’s not my story or my life. The people
in my bigger circle deserve their privacy and I will always
respect that.

On top of this the heat has suddenly got to me. I can’t move
without palpitations, I am feeling faint and generally exhausted.
I would be very happy for a few cooler days just to give my body
a rest and get things on a more even keel.

Due to everything that is going on at the moment not a lot of
sewing has taken place. I have lost a bit of my sewjo, I have
managed to get three bags started for friends and hopefully
they will be completed this week. I just need the space and
time to be able to do this, thankfully they are all very
understanding and know that I can’t work to tight deadlines
as I never know when my health will let me down. The mind is
willing the body says nah!

I have decided to name my little dog walking pouches
The Travis Bag,  after our first Weimaraner, who brought
such love and joy to our lives. He loved his walks so I think
it’s apt that these bags are named after him.