Today's blog post will just be a quick one as it is Wednesday (tomorrow is publishing day) and for the last week I have been hammered by migraine after migraine.
They seem to have shifted now and I know that they have been caused by the stress of the situation I find myself in. Whilst the medical profession play hunt the possible tumour (benign) I find myself living in limbo, putting on a brave face for everyone around me when really I am shitting myself. I have a million "what if?" questions going around in my head and no one is able to give me any answers.
My husband is also putting on a brave face but I know he is worried about me, he is losing his temper at the slightest provocation. He isn't my normal hubby but someone who is struggling with his emotions. I hate the way my health problems screw him up. I feel dreadfully guilty and despite my reassurances that I am about 80% certain they will not find a tumour and the raised prolactin with be idiopathic (without a known cause) because that is the way my medical history plays, he can not help but worry. I understand that he is struggling and so am I. We struggle on together, supported by those that we love.
Last night I had my MRI scan, mine was the last one of the day at 19:10pm. I was unable to sleep the night before and ended up getting up at 1am. I did manage to have an hours nap late in the afternoon and actually felt a great deal calmer when we got to the hospital.
Everything went smoothly, the cannula for the contrast dye went in first time (practically unheard of but I know of a decent vein on the back of my right hand), I got the technician to give me a surgical glove filled with warm water to help the vein come up. The MRI itself was the longest one I have ever undergone and the platform that I was lying on was shaking with the sound of the machine as it took the images that they need. Halfway through I was injected with the contrast dye. For the next series of scans they checked I was ok and not having an allergic reaction to it. They did say that reactions to it were pretty rare but they had happened and that they were equipped to deal with it. The two staff dealing with me were exceptionally nice and made me feel relaxed which is always a bonus.
I really loath head MRI scans due to the fact your head is wedged with blocks to keep it still and then you have a plastic cage thing placed over the top which contains a mirror so that you can see the technicians doing the scan. Rarely during the MRI's do I open my eyes, I can cope better when I have them closed. I get quite panicky when I open them. I don't think it is claustrophobia, its more an issue with masks and things on my face. I had a major operation as a small child and I think a mask was placed on my face before they sent me off to sleep. I have had a weird reaction to certain hospital smells and stuff on my face ever since. I can't even snorkel because having the mask over my eyes and the tube in my mouth makes me start to panic. I have no control over it, I feel like I can't breathe (despite logically knowing I can) and I need to rip the stuff off my face and just move away from where it is taking place. Having my head strapped down, with the cage over my face provokes the same feelings.
I managed to focus myself on the music I was having played during the MRI. I went old skool with U2's The Joshua Tree, this was the first CD I ever owned. I tried to keep control of my breathing all whilst clutching the emergency button as if my life depended on it. Over all I am pretty proud of how well I did, I was in the scanner for around 35- 45 minutes, which at the time seemed a lot longer.
The only drama we had last night was that the cannula site wouldn't stop bleeding. We had made it from the X-ray department to the main hospital corridor when I felt something dripping down my fingers. A quick check proved my suspicions right and it was blood. It wasn't a big deal but the gauze that I was using to apply pressure was now about as much use as a wet tissue. We headed back to the department, it was deserted as everyone was packing up to head home. We stumbled across another technician who was very helpful, giving me a great big pile of gauze and taping it onto my hand. I knew it would stop bleeding eventually and it was just more inconvenient that frightening. All that was needed was more pressure and to keep my hand up on my chest to help stop the bleeding.
We eventually got home after 9pm and I crawled into bed shortly after that. I am exhausted today and can see other than writing this post very little else happening. My results should be with my consultant in 5 days and with my gp within 20 days. Hopefully somewhere in between I shall find out if I have a tumour or not.
On a lighter note I would like to wish my mum a very happy 60th birthday. She has always been my blogs biggest supporter and I want to thank her for that. I hope you have a lovely day and I am looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. Love you xxx