Next week hubby and I will be visiting the Emma Bridgewater Pottery factory. It’s a trip that we decided to take around two months ago. We never thought we would get to visit it so soon. We always had thought we would have to wait for a few years before we made the trip as we would “have” to do it over two days but we decided to bite the bullet and just do it in one. It will probably leave me quite sick, there may not be a blog post next week, if the exertion hits me really hard. However I am determined to enjoy myself and live with the consequences.
A trip even for an able-bodied person can involve lots of planning, as the whole thing has seemed rather surreal to me I hadn’t really started thinking about the trip and the reality of it until yesterday. Now my lists have lists. I did order a road atlas as we are old school and don’t use a sat nav. Our road atlas was invaluable on a trip many years ago when we were on our way back from a family christening in Norfolk and the M25 was closed. I took on the navigating responsibilities and got us to the M4 by going the scenic route rather than sitting for hours in a huge tailback. Also last week I finally printed off the directions from the AA Route Planner - both there and back (I have made that mistake before!) The tickets have also been organised and placed in a folder. But that is just the tip of the iceberg of stuff that needs to be done.
Due to the sheer volume of medications I take, I have had to try to come up with a working solution of taking extra meds with me just in case I need them. I really didn’t want to be lugging around a full-size 300ml bottle of morphine when I may in the course of the day take only 20ml. Same as I don’t want to be taking 200 paracetamol or a blister pack of ten slow release morphine tablets. My handbag will resemble a pharmacy if I am forced to take all these things, I already have a print out of all my prescription medications which I carry at all times. It really is a pain in the arse having to be so thoroughly bloody responsible but the consequences would be awful if these things weren’t properly managed. Not keeping on top of my pain medications means I can be in agony for 48 hours until the situation is back under control. Even when I am having a good time I can’t forget my pain meds as further down the line I will be jolted back into reality with searing joint pain.
The anxiety levels planning for this trip has induced are off the charts. I am an anxious person by nature but it had been under control for many years just raising its ugly head anytime I was more stressed than normal. Since giving up smoking though my day-to-day anxiety levels have increased. Anything and everything is setting me off, even the most basic things can leave me doubting myself or working out the worst case scenario of every situation, what I call catastrophizing. However unlikely the catastrophe maybe likely to happen. It’s a horrible way to live as it makes you so desperately unhappy. You spend your whole life ignoring the here and now, worrying yourself sick about the future, something which you have zero control over. It literally sucks the joy from any situation. So even though the anxiety about this trip is causing me sleepless nights I am determined to go, to prove to myself that I can live in the moment and enjoy myself. If my anxiety levels don’t settle down after this trip I am going to have to make an appointment to see my gp as this level of anxiety isn’t normal. It’s not my normal.
With 7 days to go until my trip ( it will be less again by the time this is published) my lists have lists. Writing lists does seem to soothe my anxiety until 1am when I wake up most nights in a panic about something or other. Thanks to the Lush Sleepy lotion which I blogged about here , I am getting off to sleep much more easily. It is just staying asleep that seems to be the problem. At least now, well during the day I will have a list I can check and re-check, to ensure I have planned for every possible outcome. When my mind is occupied with writing, crafting etc it is easy to feel calm and in control. The waking up in the middle of the night is just frustrating because that is now actually starting to make me ill, due to the lack of sleep. I am now panicking about not sleeping properly the night before we go…….how bloody stupid is this? If I keep worrying about it, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thank god I can function on the minimum amount of sleep and I think the adrenaline alone will keep me going for this trip next week.
Next week is going to be quite hectic with our trip to Stoke-on-Trent and both of our birthdays. So if there is no blog post next week you will know why, it’s because I am utterly exhausted. I will try to get something out even if it is just a photograph from the day but I won’t be pushing myself. I am sure you will understand as I will be recovering from my trip of a lifetime.