Charades

At some point in your life you decide that no matter what you do, for some people it will never be enough. That you come so far down their list of priorities that you have to look yourself in the eye and say I am worth so much more than an after thought. It hurts to know that you mean nothing to them but to stay would allow them to inflict yet more damage upon you.

I have always tried to be honest in what I write about but since I started this blog I have felt like I have always had to write it with one aspect of my life never commented on. I am an honest person, I have shared stuff on my blog that I would have struggled to share in a real conversation. By holding back I haven't been honest, I can't do it any longer.  I am not prepared to do it any more. Pretending that I have a supportive loving family is over. It has been for years but I have been scared into silence by them. I'm done being scared. I'm done being silent whilst they spend their days telling lies about me to all who are stupid enough to listen.

I have left friendships due to being treated badly, people grow apart or something happens and their mask has slips and you decide enough is enough. I never ever thought that I would have to close the door on my family. It wasn't something that I ever wanted to do. Dysfunctional as they are, I love them but I can no longer have them in my life. For years I have been shamed into secrecy and silence. Playing a game of charades, pretending that we were the perfect family, when we were anything but. The decision has been about 5 years in the making, as I gained the strength and knowledge to know that this had never ever been about me but about about three terribly damaged individuals who were incapable of change because they couldn't see what they were doing was wrong.

I am not here to drag it all into the light, there is so much that I would like to say that I could write a book not a blog post.  I am past caring about your reaction to this blog post  because nothing you could do to me now, would be worse than what I have suffered at your hands for the past 47 years. I am sad that I wasn't enough for you, that you felt I only warranted "good" treatment when I was doing things for you. Well don't worry your pretty little heads, the door is firmly shut and I won't be opening it ever again.

There wasn't one thing or action that determined this turn of events, as I say the decision had been 5 years in the making. My eyes were well and truly opened in 2015 in the way that you ran to my siblings defence and cast me as the bad guy as per usual, without even speaking to me. The way you treated me, really broke my heart, I was so upset I couldn't eat or sleep, I was distraught.  You shattered the illusion of the perfect family so you only have yourselves to blame now  that I call time on it.

It was my doctor  that told me that my sibling was using her children as weapons and that it was wrong. In fact it was my gp that opened my eyes to the fact that our family relationships were dysfunctional and that there was an element of coercive control / narcissism to it. Whilst I was there at the appointment begging for anxiety medication and sleeping tablets because your combined actions had destroyed me yet again. Even at my lowest sobbing in the doctor's office I was still prepared to do anything to get my family back because I loved you.

The price of getting you back was for me to apologise for everything I had done. I asked for clarification on what this "everything" was because I was clueless. I was treated like I was being the unreasonable and should just apologise for everything. I was told that unless I apologised for everything that none of you would have anything to do with me. Asking someone to apologise for "everything" as you put it but without quantifying what everything is, is a fucking mind game. It was all about control and ensuring I didn't step out of line. 

I was so desperate to keep you in my life because I really didn't understand where all this cruelty and anger was coming from. I still believed at this point that our family was perfect and that I had obviously done something terrible to warrant your treatment of me. Ever the scapegoat  and peacemaker, I apologised for everything whilst my estranged sibling hurled accusations at me going back as far childhood, all of which were untrue or she had twisted the context to ensure yet again she was the victim. I apologised for things that I knew I hadn't done or had no control of, such was your combined twisted hold over me. How you three behaved then is what broke the spell. I started to realise at long last that our perfect family didn't exist  and never had it was an illusion.

So I went on a 5 year journey trying initially to discover what was so wrong with me that my sister could walk out of my life without a backwards glance and my parents could side with her without even speaking to me. Was I really so bad, so evil that I deserved to be treated like this? I asked my friends did they know this person that had been described to me as a compulsive liar and thief. None of them knew this person or recognised it as me. 

As my eyes opened to the years of abuse I began to ask questions, why did my parents always seem to love me less than her? Why was I the last person to be considered constantly?  For two people who claim they were treated so badly growing up, as the youngest child was favoured by your parents, you really do miss the fucking irony of repeating exactly the same pattern don't you? I read websites, blogs, mountains of books all on the subject of narcissism. Once I scratched the surface of your behaviour it became crystal fucking clear that the issue wasn't me, it was all of you and your twisted fucking minds.

Before anyone claims that it takes two to tango, I am not saying I am a perfect human being. I have flaws as everyone does. But their is a huge difference between flaws and taking positive enjoyment out of causing your own child mental anguish and harm.

Initially I truly believed that the issue was my sibling's alone and now that we were estranged perhaps my relationship with my parents would improve? Unluckily for you, all that research had shown me how narcissists abuse their victims and how they always go through a cycle of love bombing and then when they feel the target has fallen for their lies hook, line and sinker they withdraw or have you walking on eggshells again never knowing when you might take offence or withdraw from me for weeks on end. I soon realised that the narcissism gene wasn't carried by my estranged sibling alone. It could be applied to the pair of you. It was like you were following the narcissists manual, it was so predictable it would have been laughable had your actions not been as psychologically damaging as they were.

For a long time I tried to excuse the way that you behaved. I became a world expert at practising cognitive dissonance  but my body / unconscious mind kept sending me more and more warning signals when I was dealing with the both of you. I would get anxious and panicky at the thought of having to speak to you or see you. Covid lockdowns in 2020 were a positive blessing as it helped me realise that closing the door on that chapter of my life was not going to be some huge deal because as you had already  humiliated me, hurt me, attempted to break up my marriage, ignored me, destroyed my friendships and just so much more, there really wasn't anything left in your arsenal to hit me with.

 My dear friends I warn you now, to be prepared for the smear campaign to start after this blog post if it hasn't already. No doubt they are claiming that I am mentally ill / having a breakdown - that's the usual line or that Mr Myasthenia Kid has brain washed me against them and is controlling everything I do. For the record yes I suffer with anxiety and depression on and off. Mr Myasthenia Kid is too busy looking after me and Dembe whilst holding down a full time job to be bothered to brain wash me or control me. The problem is your lies about Mr Myasthenia Kid tend to fall apart under close scrutiny, if I was really the victim of his coercive control you've had ample opportunity to "rescue" me. Yet you don't you sit around bleating to anyone who listens and paint yourselves to be the victims in all of this.

Suddenly the slow drip, drip effect of your behaviour became a Tsunami, there was no holding back from seeing straight through it. Since stepping away from all the bullshit and continuous hurt I have never been happier. Despite everything you have put us both through, the lies you have told about us to anyone will listen. I am sad, that I don't miss you. A child should miss their parents presence but I don't. There isn't anything to miss, I don't miss being the very last thing you think of, I don't miss parenting you and  I don't miss your shrieking phone calls when I stand up for myself. I thought there would be a grieving period but there wasn't. There is anger, anger that you tried to hijack my husbands grief and push your agenda on us. Stupidly if you had rung up and apologised for that, we would still be in contact because despite all the shit you have pulled over the years, all I ever wanted was to be loved by you and to know that I was enough. I still do love you but I love myself enough to know that having you in my life does me great harm, so I am walking away.

Thankfully after having had 3 months out of your circus I know I am enough, that without you I won't shatter and break. That my life will continue on happier safe in the knowledge that I no longer have to walk on eggshells when dealing with you. I will no longer lie awake at night wondering what it is I have done to upset you this time. My exit from your lives, on my own terms and I won't be keeping quiet. If someone asks I will tell them. If you don't like that, I no longer care.

I have never felt like a victim, I am a survivor, no longer the scapegoat and no longer playing your twisted game of charades.