It's a whinge ( sorry )

 It has been a rocky few weeks for me lately. My health hasn't been great, for some reason out of the blue I have had more issues with my neck and it is triggering more migraines. I am waking up in the middle of the night with them or they are building during the day and I am going to bed with them. I bought myself yet another specialised neck pillow in the hope that this would help and to be fair it does a little but I am still suffering with the headaches / migraines.

It is exhausting to be continually in pain, if the migraines weren't bad enough on Sunday out of nowhere I had a really bloody awful flare up of my bowel adhesion pain that caused me to cry out in pain. It felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. I took all my usual medications to ease the pain and slowly they worked. It was so draining though and it took a good three days for my innards to settle down and not cause issues. I am so heartily sick of these flare ups for no reason that leave me feeling out of it because I am so tired.

I can cope with a lot of things but when there is no let up and it is one health problem after the other flaring up with no rhyme or reason it gets you down. There are so many things that I want to do creatively but have had to stop for the time being because mentally I am exhausted from the high pain levels and wouldn't be able to focus my attention for long enough to avoid making mistakes.

I have been practising self care as much as I can and trying not to feel guilty about not getting the bits and pieces I wanted to get done. I am lucky in some respects as I don't work and I can spend time when I am able doing my sewing / embroidery crochet. I have no deadlines but it doesn't stop the guilt I have when I have spent yet another day in bed or lying on the sofa. Thankfully Dembe loves a cuddle on the sofa and he is more than happy to come up to bed and sleep now that he is that much older. I just get frustrated as none of us is getting any younger and I feel like I am wasting whatever time I have left on this planet by having to rest because I am not well enough to sit at the sewing machine or pick up my crochet hooks.

The fatigue has been off the charts this last week. I know a lot of this is interrupted sleep and higher than usual pain levels. I always feel more tired than usual when my pain levels are not being controlled. I also made the mistake of running out of my Oramorph so have had two days without anything to deal with breakthrough pain. Despite it being the height of summer I have had more hot water bottles than ever. I am so glad that Mr Myasthenia Kid never bats an eye lid when I ask on a very hot day for a hot water bottle. I can't lie I can't wait for 5pm tonight as he is bringing back my Oramorph for me. I might get things a bit more under control then.

Today I am battling low blood pressure, even sat down my peripheral vision is greying out. I am struggling to read as everything is blurry. It makes life just that little bit harder than it needs to be. I thank my lucky stars that both my phone and my Chromebook allow me to make all text bigger, so I can work out what is being communicated.

I really hate the fact that I am moaning but most of the time on social media I don't mention how I am doing at all. I just don't mention my health at all unless someone asks me a direct question and even then I will downplay it. I just hate how hard everything seems to be at the moment. I know it is just a rough patch, everyone has them. I just don't seem to be able to allow myself to have them. It is as if I feel that unless I am doing something I am not worthy of others love / attention / friendship ( **delete as appropriate ). So I take enforced resting badly which then makes my mood dip. I try hard not to let it get to me but I get so frustrated that my body has decided to let me down yet again.

I am however looking forward to the bank holiday weekend and spending some time with my boys as they keep me sane at times like this.