Down the rabbit hole

What I have been holding my breath waiting for since the start

of the year and all the bereavements we went through

has finally happened. I knew at some point my health

would be impacted and over the last 7 days it’s happened.

I’ve spent a few days in bed this week, purely because

the chest pain on moving and the level of exhaustion

was becoming unbearable. I really hate it when

my health takes a nosedive as it can be months before

I get back to where I was before. The same thing

happened last year when we went through two

bereavements in the space of 6 months. It took me from the

May until the October to get anywhere near where I had

been before.

I hate the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability this creates

within me. I lose all motivation to do anything and just want to

hide away from the world in the hope it will leave me alone.

But it wont and I have to be a grown up and deal with the things

that make me feel uncomfortable.

I am fed up with the professionals in my life telling me that my

body’s  and minds response to this is normal, personally I’d prefer

that they waved a magic wand and made it all go away. However

I know it’s not going to happen so I just need to put my big girls

pants on and get through this.

I am trying desperately hard not to fall down the rabbit hole and

get seriously depressed. I won’t lie I am dealing with depression

and anxiety at the moment. I have lost my sewjo, I have just been

too exhausted and when I have tried to sew I've ended up with

horrendous double vision. Sewing to me since October has

been like breathing so to not be able to currently

do it is frustrating. Hopefully it ( my sewjo ) will return

soon and I will physically be able to do it.