Friday 29 April 2011

The Royal Wedding 29th April 2011

I am so proud to be British, I don't say that kind of thing very often. However I think we pomp and ceremony rather well in this country and I have thoroughly enjoyed the spectacal.

The day started for me shortly after 7am after being aware for several hours that hubs was awake and already watching the television coverage. If you met hubs you would never think for a moment he was such a royalist. Its crazy but he has been so excited since the engagement! I suggested back in November 2010 that we had a small party but he said no. Then when the idea was suggested again it was given the green light.

Yesterday Hubs worked like a trooper doing the cleaning and getting the house ready for our guests. After he had done all that he then helped me in the kitchen as we prepared our home made Beef burgers, Red Thai Curry Chicken Burgers and Fish Burgers. Plus a variety of salads and side dishes. As usual instead of catering for 8 the amount of food would have fed forty! Hubs will be eating the chicken burgers for sometime to come!

I wondered down stairs at around 730am. I have to drink around half a pint of water in the morning before I get up to boost my blood pressure. Otherwise I can have a flaky time of it and feel like passing out. Hubs was super organised, the house was spotless, he had showered, shaved and dressed. He had even ironed his outfit. He doesn't iron.....ever! He never shaves or has a shower on his day off work. His response when I questioned his enthusiasm was "if I can't shower and shave on the wedding day of our future king its a pretty poor show!" I started to look around to thank the aliens that had obviously abducted my husband and replaced him with a doppelganger!

I was then handed a cup of tea and a yogurt along with my morning tablets. The morning tablets I always forget to take until Hubs reminds me at lunchtime. So where had my husband gone? I was then told I had to sit and rest as nothing needed to be done. Wonderful, I don't know about Catherine Middleton but I was starting to feel like a bit of a princess!

At 8am P&P shouted over the fence as they had some bunting, flags and tea towels going spare and hubs then set about decorating the garden and the front of the house. I wasn't too optimistic at this point that the BBQ would be happening the skies were pretty dark and the wind was freezing cold! Once the decorations were done it was time for another cup of tea..... how very British! We sat and watched the TV coverage with Hubs updating me with what had been shown before I got up. He had been up since 4am due to taking the dogs out and then being too excited to go back to bed.

At a little after 9am the first text message arrived that sent me int a panic! C's message said she was nipping into the town centre and she would be with us shortly. The agreed time for our guests arrival had been 1030am. I was lounging on the sofa feeling smug that everything had been done and I didn't have to move until 0930am. My resolve was I wasn't moving until I had seen the Beckham's enter Westminster Abbey. Within minutes of receiving C's message the phone went off again, this time it was my sister it read "have seen the Beckhams I am on my way over". What is wrong with people normally everyone is late, normally I would be waiting for them! Panic stations, the rest of my third cup of tea is slurped down and I head off for a shower.

At this point I haven't decided what I am going to wear, I have informed the guests the dress code is red, white and blue, but other than Jeans and a red polo shirt there isn't much of a wardrobe choice with these colours! I decide that as I am the hostess I will wear what I like, I opt for a Betty Jackson T-shirt and Linen Jacket in teal along with my jeans. As Hubs has nicked my tiara and has been wearing that for the last few hours I go to plan b, which is to wear a black fascinator in my hair and some nice jewelry. Thankfully before the rest of the guests arrive my sister wrestles the tiara off him and she wears it! My sister arrives whilst I am in the shower and Hubs is ironing my outfit. The morning of luxurious calm has been shattered as the  guests all decide to arrive by 1010am, not the 11am I had envisioned!

There was quite a bit of arguing over which TV station we should watch, the majority of us felt it should be the BBC rather than Sky. Hubs had the remote and it took quite a bit of persuading to get him to take it off Sky!

We had an absolute lake of soft drinks and alcohol in the house and all we drank were cups of tea! We all loved the coverage and we felt that both Prince William and Kate Middleton looked lovely. I felt immediately that Kate's dress was very similar to Princess Grace of Monaco's. I kept coming out with all these facts about the royal family, royal protocol etc and our friend AC was amazed. He said where did you find all this information out? I told him I read a lot, I studied history and I love Royal documentaries. Bless him he told me I should go on Mastermind! I couldn't as my memory is terrible for dates! Its just my mind works in an add way the more obscure the fact the better the chance is that I will remember it. After that they said I was the royal correspondent so whenever the commentary when quiet on the TV I had to do a voice over!

When they were pronounced man and wife we raised a toast with a glass of champagne! As there were eight of us the bottle didn't stretch far but as the majority of people were driving it was enough for several toasts. It was very nice Champagne, normally I don't like the stuff but this was good!

At 1340, after the kiss on the balcony hubs and AC fired up the BBQ and 30 mins later the great cook off began! The food went down a storm and we were well and truly stuffed! C and AC brought desserts to save hubs and I having to do any more prep. AC brought a delicious moist chocolate cake gorgeous with double cream we had that around 4pm. C brought a selection of Waitroses finest, an apple tart, a Key lime Pie and GU Chocolate mouses. Our guests were spoilt for choice! Obviously desserts were followed by more  cups of tea!

Our guests left at 5pm after spending a wonderful day with us. The dogs behaved brilliantly and enjoyed all the fuss they received from our visitors. It was one of the best events Hubs and I have ever hosted. The guests all got on and enjoyed lively conversation. Especially at 3pm when we put on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding that we had taped the night before. That really got the debate going!

A wonderful day, with wonderful company and wonderful food. Thank you xx

Tuesday 26 April 2011

Temporomandibular Joint Disorder - TMJ

Its 1230am I can't sleep, I have taken every painkiller available to me and I have a hot water bottle clamped to my face. So whats keeping me awake? Its a condition called Temporomandibular Joint Disorder or TMJ for short.

Very basically I have pain in the jawbone joint just in front of my ears on both sides. The pain is travelling right around my jaw, causing my teeth to hurt. I get flares of this very so often and it usually settles quite quickly. However this is the worst pain I have had with it. I am wearing a dental night splint as I am typing this as I do have the unfortunate habit of clenching my teeth. The night splint is there to stop me biting down. I haven't been aware that I am doing it and since wearing the night splint I haven't noticed my teeth bouncing off the hard plastic. My jaw feels out of alignment, my bottom jaw feels like its protruding further than my top Jaw. I have checked in the mirror it isn't but obviously something in the joint is inflamed and sending crazy messages to my brain.

Tonight it became quite difficult to talk again as I was struggling to open my mouth. Thankfully I managed to eat my dinner, I would of cried if I hadn't been able to Ive been so hungry all day!

I have had this condition for years but it was only properly diagnosed last year by my new dentist. When she examined the joint the pain was so intense you could have peeled me off the ceiling! Most of the time I have a clicky jaw which will be triggered by eating something like a baguette - so I try and avoid foods which are hard for me to chew. Sometimes it will make an almighty crack when I yawn!

As usual there is treatment but no cure. Apparently there is treatment but no cure, pain killers don't tend to work (and don't I know it) as a lot of the pain is neuropathic. I have found a good website though an American site that has some good information on it.

So for the next few days it looks like my diet will consist of soup, mashed potato and gravy!

Monday 25 April 2011


As promised I went to visit my friend Jan who is in her early forties and has a horrific type of MS. Jan lives in a nursing home as she requires 24/7 care.


Jan and I met in the late 1990's and we hit it off immediately. I liked Jan because she didn't treat me any differently just because I was a Manager. As a manager I found some staff just brown nosed you all the time and tried to manipulate you to get what they wanted, whilst others just wouldn't speak to you either because they didn't like managers or they were just intimidated. It was a real shame as I worked hard to be fair and consistent with all members of staff. Jan was different she didn't care that I was a manager we spoke as equals and had a laugh about life, work and anything else that we could take the mickey out of.

We didn't see each other outside of work until much later in our friendship. Jan had been ill health retired from work, her MS suddenly deteriorated overnight and she could no longer walk. She had persevered at work despite being in horrendous pain and her sight deteriorating. At this point no one really knew what was wrong with her. Some Dr's suggested it was stress or just all in her head. It took until she could no longer walk for the Dr's to diagnose that she had MS and it wasn't the kind where she would have any remissions it would only get worse.

When I became too ill to work in 2008 I was clearing out some handbags and came across Jan's telephone number. I rang her and we chatted for over an hour. We started chatting a couple of times a week and then it became everyday. I would try and get to see Jan at least once a month. Then all of a sudden I couldn't get hold of Jan and she had been taken into hospital and she never went home after that.

In 2009 we ended up in hospital at the same time, on the same ward in beds next to her. Jan was pretty poorly but she was still a feisty bird. It was the most enjoyable hospital stay either of us has ever had. It was a pretty rough time for both of us. Jan was waiting to be admitted to a rehabilitation unit and I was in for tests. We ran rings around the nurses and generally caused as much trouble as we could just to amuse ourselves.

She tried the various MS drugs but nothing helped. The MS was waging war against her body and she had no way to fight it. However Jan wasn't going to give up easily and fought it tooth and nail. She liked her independence and that is what she has found so hard to give up as she can no longer care for herself. She spent nearly a year in hospital before she was well enough to move into a nursing home and that's where I went to visit her today.

I explained to Jan about my blog and said I could take her picture and put it on my blog. She asked if she would be famous and I said indeed she would now be famous! So to honor her wishes Jan is now on the Internet on my blog.

I spent three hours with Jan chatting about the dogs, people we both know and our old place of work. Jan doesn't get many visitors and I got very upset today when she told me I was the best friend she ever had. I feel I let her down badly by not being able to visit her, due to my own poor health. I do write to her at least once a month but she is so isolated. Her family visits but there are only two people that visit her from work and she was friends with a lot of people. Her situation is a lot like mine but at least I have the Internet, Jan's sight is so poor that she couldn't see the computer screen. Her hands have contracted like claws and she wouldn't be able to type, her speech has also been affected so voice recognition technology isn't an option either.

The staff seem very nice at the home although a little busy. Its a nursing home so its patients suffer from a variety of ailments mainly dementia so its a little noisy too. Jan's room is full of photographs and her beloved snoopy collection. It has a lovely view over the garden. Its a nice place, bright and cheerful and much better than the village hospital that she was in. The room she had there was more like a prison cell.

Jan has deteriorated in more ways than I had  anticipated. Jan was always really mentally alert and funny. Today she was a shadow of what she once was. Initially she seemed like the same old Jan, for about 20 minutes it was all as it would always have been, both of us in fits of laughter. Then she asked me how I was getting on in my flat. I realised then that she was having memory problems. I moved from my flat over 7 years ago, Jan knew that. She couldn't remember if hubs and I were still together, she did remember I had dogs though. We spent 3 hours chatting sometimes it was about things we had talked about earlier, I didn't care it was just good to see her. She enjoyed the visit, I think it was the longest visit she had ever had. Time flew by and I knew Jan was starting to tire so I called hubs and he came and got me.

It was bitter sweet today. I loved seeing her but it also made me very sad that a woman in her forties life has been destroyed by MS. Jan was a hard worker and very comical. It was just so sad to see, but she still has her sense of humour and winning smile as you can see from the photo.

So Jan, you are famous as promised you appear on my blog.

With Love
Rach xx

Sunday 24 April 2011

The Garden .....

Europas Pectinatus

Celosia Venezuela

I thought I would take the plunge today and see if I could upload pictures to my blog. It's something I have never done before!

So here are pictures of two plants that we have potted up this week! Exciting stuff! I will add  a selection of pictures when the garden has more flowers at the moment this is the only real splash of vivid colour.

It's not as warm today as there is bit of a sea breeze blowing. This is probably going to be the last day I will be able to sit outside for a while as tomorrow the forecast is for rain and thunder storms! Typical British summer really but then it is only April.

We have been sat in the garden today chatting to the neighbours. P&P chucked some hot cross buns over the fence for us to scoff! That was followed by two fab ice lollies a few hours later! They have been invited to next Fridays BBQ. We have brilliant neighbours, P&P are the people that helped us the day of Jays crash. I know day or night if I need help they would come to my aide. It's nice knowing that with my family normally over an hour away.

 I haven't eaten an ice lolly in over twenty years as I have a thing about the wooden sticks. I ate the fab lolly out of politeness knowing if I had a taste of the stick I could feign dropping it on the ground and letting the dogs eat it! I actually really enjoyed it and it appears that I have got over my stick thing! I'd like to try a magnum next as I have never had one of those!

Ma and Pa popped in again today. Dad said mum was too tight to buy a cup of tea at Budleigh Beach. I know that isn't true they just like any excuse to pop in and I love them for it. Is it wrong to say you adore your parents and love their company? I hope not as this is how I feel about mine! Mum has no Internet access at the moment so she wont get to read this for a few days. Then she will get all emotional bless her. I can't help it if I love my mum and dad! xx

We are hoping its nice next Friday for the Royal Wedding as we are having some people around to watch the wedding and then have a barbecue lunch after. We a going to make our own beef burgers and Thai Chicken burgers. I won't be partaking in the burger fest as I am vegetarian, well actually I eat fish so not strictly vegetarian. So I am going to make some fish cakes for myself if I am up to it. If not it will be a frozen Mexican bean burger. Hubs is day off before so we can do a lot of the prep together after my Dr's appointment - the one where I will have to beg to get a private referral!

Pain wise it's bearable today, TMJ is playing up so its painful for me to open my mouth and speak - some husbands get all the luck. The pain, well some of it is my own fault, I don't like taking tablets as I actually rattle when I walk, so I try to limit them, plus the more you take the less effective they become. The problem with this is you end up in so much pain that it gets difficult to get on top of it. So its a difficult dilemma.

 On a happier note the dogs were bathed today........... and hubs! Willow was an angel
                                                            (her best angel face!)
She had her bath and no complaints! Mollie wasn't too keen but allowed Hubs to get on with it.
                             (Mollie is the only dog out of all three who loves to sunbathe!)

 Frankie or Frankenstein as he is also known was a little demon and had to be chased around the garden with the hosepipe!

(Frankie with dumbbell and toilet roll tube in his mouth so the girls can't have them, looking like butter wouldn't melt!)

So what's the bet that as soon as they get up on the common tonight they roll in something revolting now that they all smell of evening primrose!

Saturday 23 April 2011

Another glorious day

Well its been another beautiful day here today. A few rumbles of thunder in the distance but thankfully nothing close enough to bother the dogs. They are complete cowards when it comes to loud noises, but it only seems to affect them when they are in the house. They are quite happy to walk past a firing range or firework display when they are out of the house. I can't work out why when they are in the house it bothers them so.

Mum and Dad delivered to me 3 passion flowers today, one purple, one white and one purple and white, Hubs has potted the two for the back garden and will plant the last one in the front garden tomorrow. We have had a wonderful passion flower outside the house for 7 years but unfortunately two hard winters were just too much for it and it gave up the ghost. It was such a lovely plant and used for flower for months. We lost quite a few plants this winter, although it wasn't as cold as the previous year the snow lay on the ground for well over a week.

On top of the passion flowers they delivered 2 loaves of bread and a packet of migraleve. Last night I had the most hideous migraine ever. It was actually worse than the one I ended up in hospital with in 2009. It was one of those that had a really slow build all day. I really didn't feel great all day yesterday and I had a bit of a headache, the headache was manageable in fact I didn't even take any painkillers for it. Then by 2330 last night I couldn't stand any light or any movement of my head. I knew I needed to put a hot water bottle on the back of my neck. This was a trick my family GP told me to do years ago as she said migraines make the blood vessels in your neck clamp down, by placing heat on your neck it makes them open back up again. I have no idea if this is correct all I know is it works for me.

There was no point shouting to my husband to try and wake him up as he had a fan going in his room and he wouldn't have heard me. We sleep in separate bedrooms and have done since 2007 when I first became ill. Mainly because my sleep patterns are so erratic sometimes sleeping, sometimes having insomnia, sometimes wracked in pain. He also snores very, very loudly so its just easier if we sleep apart. It is essential for both of us to get the best quality sleep we can and by sleeping in separate rooms we can do this.

So I had to text message him! My room was pitch black and using my phone burnt the back of my eyeballs with the light, but I knew I couldn't lift my head up or I was going to be sick. It took only two text messages to wake him - pretty good going! The first one had my request for a hot water bottle the second one I just sent a blank message, I just wanted the noise to wake him up. It did the trick and a hot water bottle was quickly brought to me. Its amazing what you can use to wake someone up these days!

Oh the relief a hot water bottle brings! I could then get the anti sickness meds down me as I could sit up. Hubs had got them out for me but I just felt too awful to take them. I then managed to get some sleep, it wasn't great quality sleep as I was having strange dreams. I kept dreaming that I was awake, that one really bugs me as when you wake up you don't know if you have been asleep or not. I sleep with the radio on and that helps me work out of I have been asleep. I see if its the same programme I thought I had just been listening to, that way I know it was a dream that I have been awake.

Today I was left with a bit of a migraine hangover. However I am confused if it was a migraine as my neck has been very weak all day and I have had to wear my neck collar as I can't hold my head up. My neck feels like its being compressed, like there is a weight sat on top of my head pushing my neck into my spine. It sounds strange I know, it feels very painful. The headache that I have had today has been relieved when wearing the collar and comes straight back when I take the thing off. So was it a migraine last night or a pinched nerve causing the headache. I don't think I will ever know. I just have to be grateful for the fact that I got some relief.

In fact hubs has just been sent to get me another hot water bottle as the pain in the back of my neck / head is starting again! Luckily he wasn't asleep this time and a simple shout was enough to get his attention!

I've now got two days with hubs being home which will be great but after the week he has had I imagine he will sleep for a good few hours over the weekend. It never bothers me letting him sleep as he works hard at his job, looking after the dogs and then looking after me. Its an exhausting job being a carer so when he gets the opportunity to sleep he grabs it with both hands!

 At some point over Easter I want to go and visit a friend of mine who has really bad MS. She lives in a nursing home and she is in her forties. MS has left her paralysed and virtually blind and deaf. I think that I have problems and then I remember JG and count my blessings.

So to all my followers and readers wishing you a happy Easter, Passover or what ever you want to celebrate xx

Friday 22 April 2011

Good Friday 2011

I've had a rubbish week, the heat has really kicked the POTs up a gear and I am no longer sure that the florinef (steroid) is actually doing anything.

This morning I awoke to my eyelids and under my eyes so swollen I could barely see. I popped to the loo and looked in the mirror I looked like kermit the frog. There were just little tiny slits where my eyes should be. I had to go back to bed and wait an hour before I could see! So the florinef is making me retain fluid, I know because my weight is going up and down by as much as half a stone on a daily basis. I am struggling to get my shoes on and my hands are extremely puffy. All in all I look great! But unfortunately I think that's all it is doing.

Even with me retaining fluid I am still urinating at least twice an hour. I keep meaning to count the number of times I urinate in a day but I actually lose count. I am up at least 4 times in the night to urinate. I would love just one nights sleep that wasn't interrupted by pain or urinating or night sweats!

 I know I drink a lot I have always suffered with excessive thirst. I have been tested for diabetes more times than I have had hot dinners, its always negative. I drink between 3-6 litres a day, but I am still dehydrated, my fingers are wrinkled like I have had a long soak in the tub and the skin on my face also shows quite clearly that there is not enough fluid in my system. My mouth and eyes are always dry no matter how much fluid I ingest.

We are holding off increasing the florinef for a bit as I got so poorly one week after starting it. I am now around 28 days in and other than looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy it doesn't feel like its done a lot . Initially I thought it had made a massive difference as I could bend forward without feeling dizzy, that's now come back. My night sweats seemed to have stopped, now that's come back. My heart stopped feeling like it would come out of my chest when I went up the stairs.........yep you guessed it!

So today is Good Friday a Bank Holiday in the UK and my parents are up in their caravan, hubs is day off and its nice weather. Ma and Pa came over for a visit and it was lovely to see them. I don't get to spend as much time with them as I would like. I can't really travel and my mum is also my sisters carer. We speak everyday on the phone at least twice a day, but its not the same as being together.

My parents took me out today to buy some plants for the garden. Hubs had prepared all the pots on Monday ready for them to be planted up, so the garden has looked a bit weird with rows of empty pots full of compost! It wasn't actually too busy at the shop and I managed to pick up some trailing lobelia, ( or labia as my husband calls them, its been a standing joke for years after he rang his mother up and told her he had been planting labia's. I only pointed out his mistake after I had text messaged everyone we knew! He's never lived it down. Even the neighbours tease him about it! An honest mistake but hilarious), some begonias as the slugs don't seem to like eating them. I also got some daisy like things - bright yellow, a lovely purple broom and some bright purple plants that I can't remember what they are called!

I like a lot of colour in the garden as we don't have a lawn. With us being near Exeter the soil is very heavy and clay like. The soil is bright red and with three dogs running about on a lawn everything would be stained bright red. Plus our garden is north facing so in the winter it gets very little sun so when we first moved in the back garden was like a bog. So we put in decking which is nice and easy to keep clean and the dogs don't bring any additional mess into the house.

This year I am not growing any vegetables as last year was so disappointing. The runner beans produced loads of flowers and then only a handful of beans, Mollie ate the strawberries and helped herself to the radishes! The caterpillars ate all my salad crops, we also had horrific amounts of black fly. I had never known a year like it for pests and that includes Mollie!

I don't have the energy this year for doing a lot of gardening and the garden looks so bare in the winter I wanted some plants that would provide some greenery throughout the year. So this year I have gone for lots of flowers and no colour scheme, just lots and lots of colour. Since getting the plants in the pots earlier on today and giving them a good soaking some have already come into flower and the lobelia (or labia) looks like its grown. I now just need to guard them against Frankie watering them and inadvertently killing them off! It maybe good for the tomatoes but the other plants just don't agree!

 I have been enjoying lying on the lounger in the sun, reading and chatting with the neighbours. So when those plants get going its going to be stunning!

Special thanks to Mum, Dad for taking me to get the plants and to Mum and hubs for planting it all up and making it look great.xx

Wednesday 20 April 2011

Social networking........the positives and the negatives

This post has come about due to some of the behavior I have seen adults indulge in whilst using social networking sites. Some of it really has to be seen to be believed.

I use face book and twitter. I enjoy using them, mainly because it allows me to come into contact with the outside world. Being pretty much housebound its amazing how people that you thought were close, loyal, true friends forget you even exist. By having my own face book and twitter profile people can't forget me! It keeps me in the loop and I have cultivated many friendships with people that I knew through work etc but didn't really know.

I don't allow face book to take over my life, I don't allow the chat function (where people can instantly message you) as I want to be in control of the amount of contact I have with people. Plus there are some people that I am happy to have as a "friend" on face book, but I really can't be bothered actually having a conversation with them. If that makes sense?

I have over 300 friends on face book, but the majority of them are friends in the very loosest sense of the word. Most I have accumulated through working from the age of 16 - 34, I have only one friend from university, several childhood friends, family but the rest are really colleagues.

Without an medium like face book my life would be a lot more isolated. I have my forums that I am a pretty active member in, but most people on those like to remain faceless and unless you are talking about a particular medical condition you don't really get to know them. So there are positives to face book.

However I am glad that it wasn't around when I was growing up. I was pretty devastated at the age of 17 to find out that a group of girls at my work place had started a "I hate the Rachel .......... club". It was pretty organized and had a secretary and treasurer. This club was started because one of the girls at work had a boyfriend who also worked at the same place. He and I used to go to break together, being rather naive I thought nothing of it. I didn't really know anyone there, the girls weren't particularly friendly and the boys were so I would chat to them and take breaks with them.

 Can you imagine what would happen if the Internet had been available to these girls. I would imagine a group would have been set up on face book or I would have had abusive messages posted on my profile. The girls were older than me and would have been legally classed as adults. But this behavior doesn't stop at 18 it continues and what I have witnessed recently makes we wonder if I should continue with face book?

Over the past few months I have seen people accused of theft, without any actual evidence. Now that was an interesting post to follow! The situation was only resolved when the person making the accusations apologized to the people accused, admitting they had no evidence to base their accusations on.

Last week I saw a bitter feud develop between 2 good friends, a feud that I am afraid will never be resolved due to the comments posted on the page. The initial motive of the first comment, which started this feud off was purely one of concern, however an open face book page is never the place to voice such concerns. The argument spread so that it included family members and the legions of fans one of the two people involved has. People that weren't directly involved ended up adding their two cents worth and the whole thing got very ugly, very quickly. The argument went on for over two days, with the comments getting nastier and nastier. Although the gossip in me enjoyed the spectacle initially, it dawned on me that what I was witnessing was a very ugly side to human nature.

I was amazed what people felt was legitimately OK to post on face book about people they had never met. However if you want a real eye opener read the UK's Daily Mail on line and read the comments people put! I can't believe that there is such vile hatred being uttered about individuals that are completely unknown by those that leave comments. The disabled and anyone on benefits seem to be fair game for these people.

I won't take sides in the argument as neither sides actions are without blame. Some silly childish comments were made that left no one looking innocent. People seem to lose their inhibitions on social networking sites and act in haste, rather than taking the time to think about the consequences of their actions. I have been guilty of that myself with my blog and now take a much more considered approach when posting.

The consequences of posting one comment is that now two friends are no longer speaking, but its bigger than that. Its now two families are at war with each other, with actions now taking place outside the Internet and solicitors becoming involved.

There is a time and a place for things to be said but should face book be the medium you chose?

OK rant over! Just a quick update on me. The hip is still causing me problems but not to the extent that it was before. If used too much it is becoming painful so its a careful balance between activity and rest at the moment. My stomach problems are starting to come back after around a six month leave of absence! I am swollen every day at present, so having to wear loose fitting clothes and making sure there is nothing directly pressing on my abdomen. I am now having to take anti sickness meds pretty regularly to try and dampen down the urge to vomit. I have started to lose my hair again, great clumps of it are coming out. Thankfully I seem to be shedding hair from all over my scalp and have no obvious patches of hair loss.

The heat is killing me and making me much more symptomatic. In the UK we are having a mini heat wave for this time of year with temperatures in the 70's, (22-25 degrees centigrade) and yes that is enough for me to feel much worse. I love the warm weather as I am like a reptile I only feel warm in direct sunlight, however the heat is also my enemy. I can't win!

So that's all for now. Thank you for reading xx

Friday 15 April 2011

update on the update on the hip saga..............

You know sometimes I wish I never opened my mouth!

The hip had been OK for nearly 48 hours and now I am back to square one. Its so sore I don't know what to do with myself whilst I am waiting for my cocktail of medications to kick in. Why its hurting so much I don't know, I don't recall doing anything to it that made me yelp.

Actually just having written this I remember being on the phone to Miss F a good friend and I was wiggling my legs around and I moved it too far to the left. It was hurting a little before hand but now its much worse.

The pain in concentrated just below the left buttock and feels like someone has just kicked me. I am lying on my stomach as sitting is just too painful. Please let my stomach work and let these pain meds work their magic.

I think I am going to have to resort to crutches to hobble around.

Update on the hip saga.......

So as you know on Monday night I managed to partially dislocate my left hip. More evidence for the case that I have Ehler -Danlos Syndrome, that's another story.

I spoke to my GP on Wednesday to advise him of the Hip saga and to get his advice. He told me all that I was doing already was correct and that if it didn't settle I would have to go and see him. I was a little annoyed that although my hospital consultant agreed that I should see the geneticist about the possibility of the fact I have EDS, my GP felt we should wait and see how I get on with the florinef. However when I suggested I pay for the appointment to the geneticist he was more than happy to do the referral. It comes down to budgets doesn't it, if its NHS money that's being spent, my diagnosis can wait. If its my money I am spending I can be refereed, the conservative party health care reforms have well and truly kicked in. We are back to the two tier NHS.

Why is it OK for me to pay, when he doesn't feel a referral under the NHS is necessary at the moment? He told me he would prefer that I stayed within the NHS, but I can't because at the moment I am receiving no care for my unstable joints and the pain they cause. Its also very important that I get a diagnosis so that my sister can get a referral and so can her son who is also showing EDS traits. EDS is a hereditary condition, my sister and I need to conserve our joints, we need to protect my nephews joints so he doesn't get to the state we are in. Nobody seems to want to take any action. They are looking at the short term cost of referrals against the life long cost of treatment if they don't identify what is wrong with us. We are actually trying to save the NHS money, preventative action is better than long term treatment.

My sister ran into someone with EDS and three children who had EDS and she took one look at my sisters scar on the back of her knee and said that's EDS. My scar on my stomach is also wide and flat, like my sisters knee scar. The evidence is just overwhelming, so why is it down to me to pull this all together. Its crazy, that I am the one doing all the leg work?

All I have done for the last few days is sleep. Today I am running a low fever, but my hands and feet are blue with cold. Despite my rip van winkle impersonation I am still exhausted. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to be continually popping pills but I don't want this gnawing pain in my hip either. Decisions, decisions.....

Tuesday 12 April 2011

In agony!

I thought I would give you an update on how I am doing today after my adventures yesterday. It's not good.

I partially dislocated my left hip last night, although it pinged back into place immediately after popping out, I think it has damaged the tendon's and ligaments. I knew it wasn't going to be a simple go to sleep and wake up with everything back to normal, due to the fact I couldn't weight bare last night.

I ended up taking Tramadol, diclofenic and paracetamol and all it did was take the edge off. I couldn't get comfortable in bed and ended up getting up at 2330. No position was comfortable so I tried to distract myself with sorting out some photographs to send to my grandmother and writing an accompanying letter. I've had about an hours sleep in the last 24, I actually don't feel too bad but that could be the sheer amount of medication floating around my system.

As my GP doesn't work Tuesdays I am waiting to see how I get on with the pain killers. If it doesn't settle I will ring the practice and ask to speak to the duty Dr. I don't want another sleepless night due to pain.

I have been trying to keep as mobile as possible so that the joint doesn't become stiff and thus make the problem worse. However every movement is just amplifying the pain. So until I get the pain under better control I have gone to bed with my electric blanket on to keep the joint warm and I have a hot water bottle on the top of my thigh. Warmth is definitely lessening the pain, its just finding a position I can tolerate that is the issue.

Its the first time in a few years that I have popped a joint, well a big joint. Its usually my knee caps that I do - excruciating! My fingers and toes dislocate daily and spontaneously pop back in, that doesn't actually hurt that much, its the big joints that do.

So fingers crossed I can settle the pain and try and see something on my husband on his day off. Frankie is on guard duty as he knows mummy is poorly! Fast asleep at the end of the bed.

Monday 11 April 2011

Houston we have a problem!

Houston we have a problem and oh boy we certainly do! Its very unusual for me to post twice in one day and its nothing to do with the fact that I am only 5 views away from hitting 950 views of my blog. I started this in 2008 and up until February this year I had only 400 odd views! I take part in a movie blog fest and I am getting over a hundred views per month.

I would just like to take the opportunity to say hello to the person or people who keep stopping by all the way from Iran. I hope you found something useful or entertaining on my blog and you haven't been repeatedly visiting me by accident!

OK back to Houston, I thought I would enclose a link about the now famous phrase before continuing...

This afternoon I was stranded on my bedroom floor for over an hour. Hubs was at work, I had gone upstairs for a rest. After my rest I decided to pluck my eyebrows as they had become a little like Dennis Healey's (just in case any of you don't know who he is! He was famous for his extraordinary eye brows). To make the best use of the light I sat on the floor with my mirror on my bed. All was well until I went to get up and found I couldn't move my legs and I had no strength in my arms. It actually made me laugh - weird isn't it. Hubs wouldn't be home for several hours and although I could have called my neighbour I didn't fancy his chances against the dogs as they can be very protective when I am sick (well sicker than normal). I didn't need the loo which could have been a big problem. So I did what any girl would do in this situation......I started plucking the stray hairs on my blonde moustache, I mean who knows when I would get such good light again and why waste the opportunity? Thankfully after an hour I could move again, but I just don't know why I couldn't move to get up off the floor.

Everything was fine for several hours and then I had just gone in the kitchen and bent down to get something and there was an almighty clunk and severe pain. My left hip had slid to the point of coming out the socket and then just slid back in again. This immediately sent my lower back into spasm with me screeching in agony unable to move. My joints have been a little floppy today, my ankles have been rolling over and my knees have been sliding around a bit too much.

 Hubby immediately started to apply his very hot hands to my lower back and gently massaged the area. I was in a state of shock normally he would panic, but he was so calm, he just kept applying his hands and then gently eased me up into a standing position. As I was hunched over the kitchen counter top. He stood directly behind me using his body as a support for mine. It was absolutely fine until he said "I hope no one can see us" as to a casual bystander it could look quite rude! I was in absolute fits and it was enough to make me completely relax the muscles.

So I am now tucked up in bed with my left hip throbbing and lower back randomly spasming. Electric blanket is on and painkillers have been taken. Yep I had to take the dreaded tramadol, if its still bad tomorrow I will contact the Dr and see if I can get some diazepam to    to relax the muscles.

Sorry I have gone a bit mental with the wiki links at the moment!

Totally not with it!

My brain has decided to up sticks and take a holiday today! So if you see it out and about on your travels let me know!

I knew on waking today would not be brilliant I had that sinking feeling. My neck muscle are also on vacation, maybe they kidnapped my brain and they are holding it to ransom? Who knows?

No I haven't lost the plot (completely maybe just partly) its just my eyes keep rolling in my head every time I move my head, which is then leaving me feeling spaced out. I can only type this as I a refusing to look at the screen. I will have to check once this is typed to see if it makes any sense at all. If I look at the screen its taking me a minute or so to get rid of the dizziness and be able to type again. Have a go yourselves and see if you can prevent yourself from switching between the two. Its something you do naturally and means you have to make a concerted effort to ensure that you don't look up.

I made the mistake last night of getting the shopping delivered today, thought I would save hubs a job. Well transporting it from the front door to the kitchen has totally done me in. I live in a small terraced house not Buckingham Palace! I will be toddling off for a nap shortly.

Nothing much else to report today - really its bit of a non post. If I handed this is as an essay at school it would have in big red marker pen - must try harder or see me!

Must check now that I have used the right words and not the random ones my brain has chosen for me!

Sunday 10 April 2011


I've had a rough couple of days but I wont bore you with the details! I haven't really been up to much at all since my post on Wednesday. That was a long night as I slept for only 40 minutes in 24 hours. I had a choice of not sleeping due to pain or not having any pain and still not sleeping. I chose the latter.

The weather has been glorious here and I have managed to get outside in the garden for 30 minutes or so. I have to be really careful in the sun as I burn in around ten minutes and with the antibiotics I am on for the HS makes my skin uber sensitive to sun. I have been going around in long sleeved tops and long cotton trousers. I don't want to break my own record and be sun burnt in April.

I have been having one of those weeks where memories have been popping into my head at the strangest of times. Some of it has been to do with the desert island disc post as since writing it I have played all the albums. On Friday my Gordon Lightfoot one turned up, I tried to get hubs interested but he didn't get it. He's quite surprised that I like this kind of music!

 As he is mainly into rap and heavy metal it was never going to be a meeting of minds on the music front. We do have some shared musical taste, we both love Frank, The Beatles, Steps, U2, The Verve, James, Erasure, Brittany Spears and Katy Perry. Hubs is a closet Steps fan, often stealing the CD and playing it in the car on his way to work! Everyone laughs their heads off when he raves about Steps as he is normally into Pearl Jam, AC/DC etc.

So back to the memories, they have been about all sorts. Some good and some bad. I seem to enjoy remembering things where I have made mistakes and then beat myself up over it. Now I take a more positive approach when these memories jump in. Instead of dwelling in the emotion that they caused me at the time or shortly after I try and look at them logically. I allow myself to have made that mistake and tell myself it didn't matter. The memories can be ridiculously stupid like making a minor mistake at work, my mind seems hell bent on making go through the emotions again. I am a bit of a perfectionist and don't take criticism too well. Now I cut the memory off as soon as it starts and think about something else. I don't know why I feel the need to subconsciously torture myself.

There have been happy memories also that have come to mind. Mainly to do with my family and remembering things about when I was growing up. We had a pretty idyllic childhood my sister and I. Where we lived had a large wooded area behind it and we would spend hours building dens or setting up treasure hunts for the other kids to follow. We knew no fear then, I don't know if I had a child if I would be so comfortable allowing them to play in the woods without an adult present. Life has seriously changed and with the media images we are bombarded with  now every adult is a potential abuser. Its sad that kids don't get the freedom that my sister and I got as kids.

Memories are more important to me than ever these days especially now more short term memory has taken a bit of a bashing. I was always really pleased with my memory before as for anything written it was pretty much photographic. I could retain a lot of auditory information also and recount conversations word for word. Now I forget the most basic things, did I take my medication? What time is hubs working until today? What day is it? Why isn't mum answering the phone? God I have forgotten another birthday. I try all the usual tricks to get myself to remember things. People say write it down, I write it down and forget to look at the calendar! I have alarmed pill boxes, alarms set on my phone for when I need to take meds. The alarms go off, I switch them off and forget to take the medication. My mind no longer seems to hold onto information. I can become confused and disorientated very quickly. Its a kind of panic that creeps over you. I think it would be less frightening if I didn't know I had forgotten something, if I was blissfully unaware of the situation.

I now view people with dementia in a totally different light, because at some point in their illness they felt the same panic I do. Not knowing what was wrong but knowing something was very wrong anyway. My grandmother told me a few weeks ago about my grandfather as his health slowly declined. He was in hospital and he was having a dementia test where he had to convert one shape into another. Gran told me he knew what he had to do but his brain wouldn't unlock the information to allow him to do it. The frustration and fear were written on his face and she said she felt a sense of despair as it didn't matter what she did she knew she couldn't unlock that information for him either.

That's how my short term memory feels, some days it works other days the information gets locked in a filing cabinet and I promptly lose the key.

 My long term memory is what I have now and those events come back clearly and strongly. They remind me of the person I was and the person I am still am despite the disability.

Wednesday 6 April 2011

Desert Island Disc's

For those of you who don't live in the UK or for those of you who have never listened to Radio 4, you may not understand the title Desert Island Disc's. This is one of my favourite Radio programmes and it would be amazing if I were ever invited to appear on this programme.

The idea for the programme came from a man called Roy Plomley in 1941, he came up with the idea as he was getting ready for bed one night. He presented the idea to the BBC who snapped it up. It was first broadcast in January 1942 with Roy as the presenter and this continued up until his death in 1985. The programme was the presented by Michael Parkinson for two years then it was taken over by Sue Lawley who presented from 1988-2006. It is now presented by Kirsty Young, who is excellent. It is the longest running factual radio programme in the world.

For more info on Desert Island disc's use this link

So the basic idea of the programme is that the guest is marooned on a desert island and they are allowed to choose 8 pieces of music to have on the island. At the end of the programme they choose their most favourite track out of the eight. As they talk about the music they also talk about their lives and why the particular piece of music means so much to them. The presenter also asks them questions, but it is mainly lead by the guest.

On top of the 8 pieces of music to be marooned with the guest is given a copy of the Bible or other religious text if they are not of the Christian faith. They are also given the Complete Works Of Shakespeare. Up until 1951 this was all the guests were marooned with, however Roy decided to relax  the rules and guests were allowed to chose a book of their own they would like to take and a luxury item. The luxury item had to be inanimate, so that would be hard for me no dogs allowed on the desert island!

If you would like to hear desert island disc's the BBC has now put their entire archive of the programme on the Internet this gives you a full list of who has been on the programme. If you type in desert island disc's on google you will find mountains of information about the programme.

So here it is Rachel's Desert Island Disc's

This took me a few days to come up with the 8 tracks that I would be marooned with. A lot of my pieces have  a great sentimental value to me or have been important to me at some point in my life. I don't know if I could exist on these tracks alone. So as I go through them I will try and give you some insight as to why I have chosen them.

1. "Red Hill Mining Town" U2 - The Joshua Tree 1987.

I like this track as you can really belt it out whilst singing to it. There are so many U2 tracks that I could have picked. In the end it had to be something from The Joshua Tree as this album had the most sentimental value for me.

In 1987 I had never heard of the Band U2, I actually acquired this CD for free. My parents bought our first CD player in 1987, god knows how much it cost but it came with 10 free Cd's. My parents picked this one and Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark plus 8 others. When they got home I searched through the Cd's with my sister. I chose this one as mine, due to the moody cover shot and then The Joshua Tree was all my parents heard over and over again. It made a change for them from A-ha that I had been into until Morten Harkett announced his engagement I was devastated and could never quite listen to A-Ha again without a tear in my eye!

2. Dr Macphail's Trance '92 version, Capercaille -Get Out

I got deeply into Irish music after getting into U2. I love Clannad, Enya and the Pogues. Fairy Tale of New York would have been on this list, but I think it would have depressed me too much and  as its a Christmas Classic. Christmas is a time for family, on a desert island you wouldn't want to be reminded of that.

This is a entirely instrumental track but its very catchy, I can hear it in my head now. I know that I was given 2 Cd's by this band. I think they were given to me by a friend of the family who was really into Celtic bands like Capercaille and Runrig.

I find the track very haunting and on different days it can make me feel different things. Its a great track to write to as it lasts 8 minutes! So I could be accused of cheating as its practically double the length of all the other tracks I have chosen.

3. Sing- Travis- The Invisible Band

This song has a bit of a strange story behind it. I love the band Travis and those of you who know me are aware of the fact my first dog was called Travis. However he was not named after the band but a close friends grandfather. It was such a cool name for a dog!

Hubs and I went to Paris for a 5 day break in October  2001, we stayed in a really cheap hotel that was later turned into an immigrants hostel and then a few years later again it was on the news as it had burnt down to the ground and several people had been killed.

We really enjoyed the holiday. We walked everywhere due to the stunning architecture, we walked the length and breath of Paris. It was a really warm October, the food was fab and alcohol expensive but we really had a good time.

We had a small TV in our room and every morning before getting up for breakfast we used to put on MTV. They kept playing this song and at 7am Hubs decides to sing along, but not quietly. Within 30 seconds of him serenading me there were loud hammering's from both sides of the room. Our fellow guests didn't appreciate his musicality at that time in the morning. Now whenever we hear that song we think of Paris and fall about laughing! Happy, happy memories.

The whole Travis album reminds us also of travelling to Norfolk for our neices christening. We had a fabulous weekend at a four star hotel - it cost nearly as much as our trip to Paris for 3 nights! We played the cassette tape so much that we actually stretched it. As soon as we got home we bought the CD.

4. Bedshaped - Keane- Hopes and Fears

I'm not massively into music, my family is much more into their music than I am. My sister loves Indie bands. Due to her living at home up until around 5 years ago my parents are very trendy with their music as well. Mum and Dad have seen Suede in concert, The Beautiful South and The Charlatans - trendy enough for you?

My sister was the one that got me into Keane and its only this album. I have never listened to any of their other albums. This is actually my writing music I just love the lyrics. Its special as my sister introduced me to it.

5. Night and Day Frank Sinatra

I chose this track for two reasons, firstly a bit of Frank never hurt anyone! He was an amazing singer. Mum used to Play Frank Sinatra on the record player on a Sunday morning whilst she did the ironing in the dinning room. I remember her ironing away whilst belting it out, giving Frank a run for his money! It's a happy childhood memory. My mum also liked Paul Young, Wham etc at this time, I just think Sunday was the time for 'Ole Blue eyes!

The second reason I chose this song is the lyrics are by Cole Porter and I love Cole Porter songs. Mum used to play an album called Fred Astaire by Peter or Paul Skelton I think my memory isn't the best. I loved the album and played it over and over. It was all the songs from the films like Tea for Two, Top Hat etc.
Burt Bacharach is another amazing song writer and composer. If I thought about this longer I may have dropped one of my other tracks for one of his!

6. The House of The Blue Danube -Malcolm Maclaren and the Modzilla Orchestra - Waltz Darling

My taste in music has always been very eclectic and always very different from my peers. Some of you may remember that this piece was used for British Airways adverts in the late 1980's and early 1990's. I was absolutely obsessed with this track, we didn't have the Internet in those days so it wasn't a question of googling British Airways to find out the composer of the track. All in all it took me about 12 months to track it down. I am the only person I know with this album. It maybe over 20 years old but it gets dragged out every six months for some serious playing as the whole CD is excellent.

This track also got me into opera, I love Carmen and watched that recently on sky one with my hubby. I never in my life thought he would sit through an opera! I love Madame Butterfly as well.

I didn't want my desert island disc's to be a cliché as most of the rich and famous people who are guests on the programme have either all classical music or a few tracks of classical music. Most of the time if they are celebrities I have a smug smile to myself and wonder which member of their PR team or Management Company actually picked it for them! I do like classical music but it doesn't extend much past the Nutcracker Suite or Moonlight Sonatas. So this track is my nod to the world of classical music.

7. Something - The Beatles - 1967-1970 box set

This was really hard to choose as I like so many of The Beatles tracks. If I was on Desert Island Disc's I probably wouldn't include a Beatles track as the thought of any royalties going to Paul McCartney makes me feel physically sick. I have never met the man but there is something about him I don't like.

I was brought up listening to The Beatles, mum has a load of original EP's and Dad has an original White Album - Vinyl. I had moved away from The Beatles when I met Hubby in 1997 and he brought back to me both Frank Sinatra and the Beatles. He played them both pretty much constantly. When he does karaoke he sings either Frank or The Beatles.

It was hard to chose the track as it could have quite easily been A day In the Life, Norwegian Wood, Across the Universe just to name a few. I just think the lyrics and the music are really haunting and just touch something in my soul.

8. If you could read my mind love - Gordon Lightfoot - If you could read my mind love

I love Gordon Lightfoot and this is an artist that my parents played on the old vinyl record player as I was a kid growing up. Its something thats just stuck with me. I can go years without hearing his music,( I owned a CD of his years ago and sold it at a car boot sale around 13 years ago and regretted it ever since!) and then suddenly out of nowhere I will hear a track and childhood memories come flooding back of my sister and I sitting in the back of the car, dad driving mum map reading, Gordon on the tape player. We would all be singing our hearts out to this track and many more. I taped him from sky recently and since then his songs have been stuck in my head. Just today I have ordered myself a greatest hits compilation from Amazon as I can't go on without his music!

We did a lot of car journeys when I was a kid, many of them lasting ten hours or more so we got through a lot of music! The first Tracey Chapman Album reminds me of Switzerland as that is all we played when we drove there for a holiday. Simple Minds (can't remember which album but I had it on vinyl) reminds me of France as we played it in the car when we were on holiday over there. Its funny how some music can just trigger memories.

So they are my desert island disc's for now, give it a few weeks and I would probably change it again. It was hard not putting any Leonard Cohen on there. Its really weird as when we were kids my sister and I used to call Leonard Cohen music to commit suicide to! Now I really like it, I have to play it when I am alone now as hubs can't stand him. A lot of my music choices have been influenced by childhood memories.

OK so now for the books, as I am not remotely religious I would have to ditch the bible, I've read it a few times and I think its a great way to live your life - some of it - not Leviticus. I don't believe that a higher power created the earth in 7 days. So in its place I would like an SAS survival manual I think it would be a lot more useful. Bending the rules again, I have read the complete work of Shakespeare several times so I would like to swap that for the complete gilt edged Oxford English dictionary. I would read that letter by letter and never get bored. I love books like the Encyclopedia Britannica so I would probably choose a complete up to date set of these to take to the island.

So that just leaves my luxury, its quite easy if I can't take my Hubby or the dogs it would have to be a never ending supply of cigarettes with matches. I am ashamed to say that is exactly the same luxury that was chosen by Nick Clegg when he appeared on the programme. However can I assure you that's where the similarity ends!

I would also need the luxury of a limitless supply of paper, a pencil and pencil sharpener so I could jot down any ideas I have whilst waiting to be rescued! Although I have bent the rules so much I would have to smuggle these items onto the island!

So what would be your dessert island disc's and why? I hope you enjoyed this post.


Monday 4 April 2011

I'm full of good intentions!

I am full of good intentions! I have been promising myself since January 1st that I would work on my novel for an hour a day. It didn't happen in January, February or March and now its April. I did do around a 1,000 words in one go in January and then Hubs had his car crash and every waking hour seemed to be consumed with dealing with the fall out.

I seem to come up with reasonable excuses not to work. I'm not in the mood, I feel crappy and don't feel inspired. I have to be honest writing is a job and no job gets done by wishful thinking. When they come up with a machine that reads your mind and writes the novel for you please let me know.

Procrastination should be my middle name!

 I  like to work when the muse is with me. When those pesky characters are chatting away to you and the words just seem to flow from your finger tips without having to make any conscious thought. Lately it feels like the muse has packed her bags and left.

My latest excuse has been that I have been unable to locate my memory stick. Alas in January it was put in a safe place! After over an hour of turning every conceivable safe place out, it was found in a bowl in the kitchen that I emptied last week looking for it! It seems not only the muse has deserted me but the pesky fairies are deciding to wind me up also!

So I settled down this afternoon, electric blanket on I am riddled with pain today - apart from my hands- that will be tomorrow after so much typing today! Laptop on the lap tray/ breakfast tray one of those ones you can use in bed it has legs so its a bit like a desk! Notebook at my side ready to expand on the ideas I have had. Keanes "Hopes and Dreams" in the CD player.

 I have always had to write with music on. When I was younger it was always Enya or Clannad, now its Cold play, Keane, Dido or Travis moody haunting lyrics which set the scene in my head. My favourite track on the Keane album is Bedshaped - just popped it on now. It just reminds me of rain, loneliness and wanting to be loved. Something my leading character Tom identifies with.

Quite often if I am feeling guilty I will play the Keane album to kick myself up the bum to get going again or just have some ideas float around my head. Most of my ideas come from conversations I hear the characters having. Hopefully those of you that write or are creative will understand what I mean rather than think I need sectioned!

I hate starting exactly where I left off. I need to get back into the mood of what I am writing again. I also loath the white screen with the cursor blinking away -  its so much pressure. So today I went back to the start and read what I had written previously. It was horrible! I am proud of what I have written I have a unique style - often complained about during my essay writing years (a-levels through to degree). I write how I talk, however my novel is of a higher standard  than my blog. My blog is where my mind just pours out ideas. Most times I don't even know what I am going to write until my fingers hit the keyboard and then off I go.......................... a bit like now.

There were so many obvious and glaring mistakes in my work. Repetition of words, unbalanced sentences, flabby sentences everything you don't want to see! I was so very proud of what I had written and today it looked amateurish and contrived. Actually truthfully I think I am being overly critical of myself. I am not an author, I am someone who is doing this for fun and something to pass the time. I am not the next Booker Prize winner, as much as I would love that! Just getting this first novel finished would be fabulous as so far its been 18 months and I am only 20,000 words in. My problem is consistency in applying myself and the need to continually edit. I see one mistake I correct that and then move onto the next. I wish I could just let go and write in the same way I write this blog, not caring so very much.

Its a weird juxtaposition, my blog is open to anyone who wants to see it anywhere in the world and if I make mistakes in it I can let it go. My novel which has been seen by precisely three people consumes me with a perfectionist streak. I don't get it?

So as ever I was full of good intentions, maybe I will try again tomorrow?