Thursday 27 August 2020


 Good god I feel old, as of last Thursday night, I started HRT ( Hormone replacement therapy). I was put on it for a number of reasons but the main one was an attempt to get a handle on my migraines that have just spiralled out of control since March this year. Leaving me some weeks having 3 a week. I was feeling permanently exhausted by it all, some of it was the migraine hangover and the rest was the Sumatriptan that although stops the migraine in its tracks leaves me feeling drowsy for the next 24 hours.

I'm not the youngest person to be put on HRT, I know people who have been placed on it since their 30's due to premature menopause or surgical menopause ( post hysterectomy ) but I am a good 5 years below the national average of the onset of menopause which is 51 in the UK. So whilst I am 46 and amongst the first in my friendship groups to be placed on it, it is making me having to deal with the fact that the first flush of youth is well and truly over. Middle age is upon me and it is making me feel sad. 

The sadness has nothing to do with my fertility being over, that isn't something that has bothered me. Although I can understand why some women would be upset by this especially those who have entered menopause early before they had the opportunity to have children. I am lucky I don't feel robbed by it, just relief as my periods were just so painful they would dominate 14 days out of the month. I would get cramps up to 7 days before my period began along with tremendous amounts of water retention, I would have period pain for the whole time I bled and it would be at the same intense level throughout. The pains when I had them were so strong I could time the contractions of my womb ( one of the many reasons why I don't have children as if periods hurt that much the pain of having a child would kill me, no word of exaggeration). Having periods made me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I had asked repeated doctors to let me have a hysterectomy, all they would ever say was no because I hadn't had children yet. The best thing that ever happened to me was being put on the contraceptive pill cerazette which stopped my periods completely. I was no longer dictated to by my monthly cycle.

Since 2016 I have endured ever increasing peri-menopausal / menopausal symptoms. I started sweating really heavily at the slightest physical exertion after not really being a sweaty person. I noticed my natural body odour change as well and became paranoid that I smelled, despite Mr Myasthenia Kid and countless friends telling me it wasn't the case. Then out of no where I was hit with crippling anxiety. I have always been an anxious person but this was off the charts, like nothing I could fully explain. I felt like there was a tight ball of barbed wire in my chest and I carried it with me everywhere. I had a constant feeling of my heart skipping a beat in fear. Due to the level of bereavements we went through in a short period of time I put the ever increasing anxiety levels down to a response to the grief. My life felt like it was spiralling out of control. It wasn't uncommon for me to wake up at 1-2am in a full blown panic attack with absolutely no idea what I was panicking about. 

I would find myself in a cycle of  very unhealthy catastrophising thought patterns. I never looked for the silver lining only the absolute worse case scenario. I spent the first year of Dembe's life worrying constantly that he would die. There was no indication that this was going to happen, it was just a constant thought in my mind. I worried about him constantly. The worst thing was I couldn't share my fear because I was concerned that people would think I was deliberately trying to harm him or that I was just plain weird. It was a very lonely place to be and I feel like I missed out so much of that first year due to this irrational fear. I put my fear down to Travis, our first dog becoming sick at 6 months old and passing away just before his 3rd birthday. I also reasoned out losing Frankie and Mollie in quick succession had just made me hyper-vigilant and that it would pass. I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to check he was still breathing.

Carrying that level of anxiety day in, day out is exhausting. Especially when it is yours alone to bear.  That is why I can't get over the fact that with just a few doses of HRT (4 so far, I am writing this on Monday morning) that ball of barbed wire in my chest has gone. I have lost that feeling of everything being out of my control. My anxiety hasn't gone completely, I think I will always have some level of anxiety as that is who I am . I would be anxious if I didn't have anxiety! I am feeling much more relaxed and even Mr Myasthenia Kid has said there is a glow about me, something he hasn't seen for a very long time. He said the look of worry has gone from my face and I am back to being like the old me.

HRT hasn't been without side effects, had I known that one of them would be rampant diarrhoea - and I mean the time when it sounds like you have taken a piss out of your ass ( sorry if that is TMI but really I have been writing this blog for 12 years if you are only just offended where have you been?)I would not have started it on Thursday night when I was going to be travelling with Jay and Dembe to look at cars, with at least two 90 minute journeys. Thankfully I woke up at 5am so I could take many doses of imodium ( 8 tablets I ended up taking that day) to stop everything I had eaten form 1973 on-wards pouring out of me. Thankfully after the first day this side effect stopped. I had reached out on social media and asked if anyone else had suffered this side effect and a few people had. I also googled it and found that I wasn't alone with this symptom. Thankfully it did settle down after Friday and I have been fine since.

After the first dose I immediately felt different - well the next morning. Normally Fridays trip out to buy a car would have had me awake all night and feeling anxious and I felt none of those things. I felt reasonably relaxed and happy. Again another feeling I hadn't felt in a while, happiness. Whilst I hadn't been depressed, it was more like a feeling of being low / blue every day, I just felt more in the moment instead of caught up in my head . I even found myself singing which is something I haven't done a lot of for many years. For a couple of years I have felt like an imposter going through the motions of my life, now I feel like it is me. I am not having to pretend I am happy or that inside that I am not a simmering pot of anxiety and rage. Rage has been another symptom I have suffered from. I could and would just explode over the smallest of things.

I am still crying at the drop of a hat which winds me up no end. I only have to watch a slightly sentimental advert and the tears are rolling down my face. I have got into the Canadian series Heartland ( about a horse whisperer, her family and a horse ranch). I watch it most nights before i go to sleep as it is on Netflix and there are 13 seasons. I haven't watched an episode yet without crying at something. I seem to be lasting longer before the tears start, I am hoping that as my body gets used to the HRT * which could take up to 12 weeks, these tears will stop.

I am yet to know if the HRT will make any difference to my migraines, I woke up with one on Friday for the first time in ages. Normally I have been having them start in the afternoon with a classic aura. It could take up to 12 weeks for it to reduce  / stop my migraines. It could also not do anything at all, which means I may have to try different types of HRT to find the optimal one. I really am keeping everything crossed that at the very least my migraines are reduced if not stopped as the last 5 months have been very tough with so many days lost to them.

The hot flushes I was having have also reduced in severity since starting HRT 4 days ago. My hot flushes tend to go in cycles, sometimes they are awful every 20 minutes all day every day to the point my clothes are soaked through and I have to go and change. Filled with the paranoia that I am stinking of B.O due to the level of sweating. It got to the point this summer that I gave up drying my hair. There was just no point as the heat from the hairdryer and straightening irons would have me sweat so profusely that I would have to wait an hour to cool down before I could get dressed. I couldn't apply make up ( on the rare occasions I wore it) as it would just be sliding off my face due to the sweat running down in. When the flushes were at there worst it would leave me feeling dirty and down because I had no control over what was happening to my body despite using supplements such as red clover, sage, black cohosh, royal jelly etc.

This severe sweating cycle would then out of the blue just stop sometimes after months, sometimes after weeks. I would be able to dry my hair and only have to dab my face a few times. I would have possibly two flushes a day and the menopause would be back to feeling manageable. It was the never knowing day to day what the menopause would bring that would leave me feeling stressed.

4 days into HRT and the sweating / hot flushes are reducing massively. I haven't had to change my t shirt 15 minutes after first putting it on because I had armpit rings - something I have never suffered with even when I was well and would go to the gym. If it stops these or just reduces the hot flushes to the point where a tissue will dab the beads of sweat off my face I can live with that after the summer I have just been through.

Just 4 doses in and I can understand why some women say that HRT is a miracle drug and has given them their lives back. Until I started 4 days ago I really didn't realise how much of my life had been lost to the menopause over the last few years.

Oh and we did get a car on Friday and the plan is that we will pick it up tomorrow ( Tuesday 25th August 2020).

Monday 24 August 2020

Car Accident

 It goes on and on, we are still waiting to hear from the insurance company whether or not the car is a write off. Unofficially the garage has told us they believe it is but it is all in the hands of the insurance company. With Covid many of their workforce are still working from home, so everything is taking far longer than it should. It is frustrating when some of us are already back to a semi normal - as in hubby is back at work and has been for a while. The stupid thing is for every day that the car is at the garage with nothing happening the insurance company will be getting billed. Same for the hire car we have been provided with. It would be in the companies financial interest to make this process go as quickly as possible but instead it feels like we are constantly walking through treacle. I really don't cope well with uncertainty. Not having a car, not being able to look at cars, as there is no point until we have a decision makes my anxiety go up through the roof. Plus with not working I am stuck at home all day with no real distraction from it, fielding the phone calls from the Police who are now involved, thankfully not about us but the other driver and the insurance company as and when they don't hide behind the data protection act, like they did this morning......when it has been me that has been injured and they wanted to talk to Mr Myasthenia Kid about it. You couldn't make it up.

I am still in pain from my injuries, my left arm constantly has pins and needles. Previous when I have had a trapped nerve in my neck the pins and needles would start usually when I was sat at the sewing machine. That healed and I hadn't had any issues for quite a while, since the crash I get no respite at all from the weird feelings in my arm that cover the whole of my shoulder joint, go all the way down my arm and into my fingers. It is incredibly annoying, I scratch the back of my hand a lot because the feeling can be like an itchy burning pain. I have had to stop though as all I do is rip the skin and it doesn't stop the feeling it just intensifies it. I also still can't turn my head properly, so I struggle to look behind me or turn my head to either side. Which isn't great when I am using my mobility scooter, well it isn't safe. So that is now also off limits for the moment.

What has surprised me most is the low mood, it has come out of nowhere. I am guessing it stems from the feeling of things being totally out of control, being in pain and just the turmoil this accident has created. I just don't want to do anything at all, then I feel guilty for not wanting to do anything. It is crazy, doing anything I would normally do is causing me pain or for the pins and needles to intensify so it takes away the desire to do anything. Which then leaves me with no distractions at all so I fall down the car accident rabbit hole and find stuff to obsess about and worry about. 

I hate all this adulting stuff. I am envious of Jay as for 9 hours a day he gets to forget about the accident and do his job. It is with me 24/7, with no escape and idiots on social media telling me that I don't need to worry that the car insurance will pay for a new car. Having already had one car written off nine years ago I know that these people mean well but are living in la la land. The insurance won't pay out what it would cost to replace like for like. They will give us a pay out that could be £500-£1000 short of what we would need to replace like for like. That is why you can get gap insurance when you buy a car, it covers the gap that the insurance leaves because the insurance company only pays you blue book price or what a car dealership would pay for the car, not what they would charge you if you bought it. It is a bloody racket with the consumer losing out all the time.

There is also the additional complication that many car dealers just aren't open or they are appointment only due to Covid. So it isn't like we can just have a mooch around and look at cars either. Another one of the joys of having a car accident during lock-down! what fun it is.

I'm so sorry that this post isn't all rainbows and roses but I have always tried to be honest when writing this and I am feeling really down about it all. I can't pretend otherwise.

Thankfully Dembe is fine if not a little clingy, he seems happier in the car again now after being a little stressed last week. Jay is having problems sleeping, quite often I hear him rattling around in the middle of the night. He is also having anger issues and is on a ridiculously short fuse. People may say it is only a hunk of metal and that would be the case if it hadn't caused all these other issues. Jay is feeling bad because he couldn't protect me from being injured and he couldn't stop Dembe being exposed to a car accident. Is it any wonder he has been impacted psychologically. When I do manage to sleep I am having the weirdest dreams, again all stemming from the accident.

In the week since the accident we have had a handmade lampshade delivered where the fabric has been used the wrong way up, my hair straighteners have gone bang - great in the current weather as I am now a frizzy mess, my big toe nail on my left toe has decided to peel off out of the blue. The only good thing is that my gp has agreed to me having HRT in an attempt to stop my migraines and the awful vasomotor symptoms I am having due to the menopause.

Before the crash we had bought a lazy spa , that was delivered with a European 2 pin plug which isn't very good when we use a 3 pin plug in the UK and an adaptor wouldn't be safe. So I have also been having to sort out a refund from Amazon who are saying it could be 6 weeks. So I could do with a change in my luck currently. It is about time the universe found someone else to pick on!

Thursday 13 August 2020

apologies for the absence of a blog post

My apologies dear readers for the lack of a blog post, I had a topic all lined up and then yesterday we were all involved in a road traffic collision ( me, Mr MG Kid and Dembe). My boys were shaken but uninjured I however probably due to Ehlers Danlos syndrome I ended up spending 7 hours in two different hospitals being checked out.

I am battered - I would say bruised but currently cant see any. I have got whiplash and soft tissue damage. At the moment moving my arms is painful and moving my head is grinding the bones in my neck.

 It is just infuriating as this is the second time in 9 years ( can you bloody believe it? ) that we have been the victim of someone else's piss poor driving. In 2011 hubby was badly injured and are car written off by a drunk driver in a stolen car.

On top of that we missed Dembe's graduation from his obedience training class, which is something we can never get back. It probably sounds silly to many of you but we don't have kids, Dembe is our baby and we have put a lot of work in to get him to this standard. However I am forever grateful for the video the dog training class provided at the graduation "ceremony" and everyone's well wishes.

So when I can type for longer without pain I will be back!

Thursday 6 August 2020

Short and sweet

I am keeping things short and sweet this week as I am really feeling quite rotten at the moment. I

The good news is I managed to go from Wednesday last week until Monday this week without a migraine. The sumatriptan worked well and halted it. I did ensure I rested for several hours rather than power through as I had done the week before as that seemed to bring the migraine back after two hours. Despite the pain of the migraine being removed I was left with a bad headache and feeling exhausted. I have noticed as well that I am getting a lot of gastrointestinal symptoms when I am having migraines and they can hang around for  a few days following the migraine. It is like a mixture of IBS and adhesion pain all rolled into one. I ended up missing dog training on Tuesday as I had been utterly wiped out by the migraine and my abdomen was incredibly painful. I  was running on empty and I just couldn't put a brave face on and pretend that I was ok. When I felt like I was going to hurl or have the shits at a moments notice, especially as there are no toilets at the dog training centre.

I am gutted that I missed the training session, thankfully the lady that runs it along with her husband very kindly sent me lots of videos via Facebook chat ( used to be messages ). Which made up for not seeing what they were doing. They had a brilliant training session and I am so very proud of them both.

Today ( Wednesday ) I have woken up with the same IBS issue and waves of nausea again. I also have vertigo which is just fucking super! Like I needed anything else added into the mix. It couldn't have happened on a worse day as I had an electrician here for 90 minutes to fit an outside electrical socket as we are getting a hot tub this week ( fingers crossed ). The hot tub has been purchased as a) we have wanted one for around 17 years and b) I need it in the ongoing battle to relieve the terrible muscle spasms I have. We got rid of our bath over ten years ago and I miss it. Not enough to get another one put in, although the thought has crossed my mind more than once! I found it difficult to climb over the side of the bath without assistance  when having a shower. I wish that our bathroom was big enough to have a separate bath and shower but hey ho it isn't. So I am hoping the hot tub will help when I have awful muscle spasms and nothing else will help. It will only be up during the summer months ( that's the plan for the moment but that may change).

I had to get up at 5am this morning to ensure I had enough time to sort myself out without killing myself. It has now just gone 11am and I am fighting the strong urge to crawl back to bed. Dembe is on the sofa beside me snoring his head off. He decided that he must guard his mum when the electrician was here, so all his bum hair went up and he was a bit barky! Im quite jealous of the fact that he is asleep!

 Due to the fact I am feeling so awful, as I said in the title of this piece I am going to keep it short and sweet.