The Pain Game

I thought that I was well and truly done with the level of pain I have been experiencing for the past ten days. There has been no let up other than when I catch a break through falling asleep due to sheer exhaustion. It’s not a horrendous level of pain probably only a 6 or 7 out of 10 it is the fact that it is never-ending that is driving me to the brink.

My hips, knees and pelvis are all currently conspiring against me, each in competition with each other to see who can hurt me the most. When one eases off another goes in for the kill. I can’t actually remember ever having pain at this level for this amount of time. It’s a bone deep gnawing pain, not enough to make you cry out but enough to make you consider weeping if only you had the energy left.

I have racked my brain trying to work out what is behind this pain escalation. As my mobility is limited it’s not as if I have taken up hill walking or Zumba classes. I haven’t fallen or  done any Pilates (since the pain started) or sat in a way that would put stress on my joints. There hasn’t been a constant change in weather fronts (the weather plays a massive role in my pain intensity) or a  change in medication. There is nothing I can put my finger on that I can say “that did it”. Pain without a cause is frustrating, as how do you avoid it happening again? I don’t mind if I have done something that causes a few days of pain. I can live with that, it is when my body is punishing me for no apparent reason that I begin to despair. When will the pain end or as in my case when will the pain subside to a level that I am used to and I can cope with day in day out?

My vast quantities of pain medication are not working, which would normally be the case if I was suffering from nerve pain. This isn’t nerve pain as nerve pain has a completely different quality. Nerve pain or my nerve pain tends to be a burning, pins and needles pain. This is deep within my bones. My hips currently feel like they have been replaced with metal spikes and every movement or position is searingly uncomfortable. My knees to be fair aren’t too bad they are a dull ache only catching me out when I go upstairs, then the pain makes me squeak. My pelvis or to be more anatomically correct my iliac crests feel like someone has taken a hammer to them and my lower back is probably painful because my gait has been so badly thrown with everything else hurting.

I know the pain is bad at the moment as I am struggling to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. I am also waking every 2 hours, unable to keep comfortable when lying in bed. Sitting provides some relief for around an hour and then the pain comes roaring back. I could quite honestly weep I am so worn down with it all. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this pain game at the moment as I have explored all my usual tactics and nothing is working. Heat provides a small amount of relief until I become too hot, changing positions is fine as long as you aren’t trying to sleep but nothing brings relief for very long.

Remarkably so far it hasn’t brought my mood down too much yes I am fed up but not depressed, there is a world of difference between those two states. Whilst it would be perfectly understandable for a person with long-term chronic pain to have periods of depression I am just seriously naffed off.

I can’t believe that years ago I would manage to work whilst suffering this level of pain. I wonder if I have become more aware of pain or if it is just now that I am at home 24/7 that there just aren’t enough distractions. When you are running a department of 130 people and fighting battles to be treated with dignity there aren’t masses of opportunities to let the pain in. At that point even acknowledging the pain would have meant I would have lost the war. I did it all on massive doses of codeine and later oramorph when I developed bursitis in both hips and plantar fasciitis in both feet.

I am starting to think maybe on the pain front I gave up and now I am forever fighting to be back in control. To feel like you have given up is almost too much to bear. I still have doubts about my chariot (wheelchair) I blame myself for allowing myself to give in and use it when I should have pushed through. In reality I know that wasn’t a possibility. Not using the wheelchair would mean never experiencing the outside world again. Even if all I do is now get to look at people’s arses due to my eye line. I don’t know if it is the feeling of giving up or a feeling that I have failed as a human being. That I am no longer able but dis-abled.

The first part of this post was written in the midst of a massive pain flare up. Yesterday the pain settled, possibly due to a mega dose of B12. Some doctors would argue it was coincidental but I don’t think so. Why after so many days of pain would it settle 12 hours after the injections? Now however I am having a bad bout of insomnia. Chronic illness is so much fun you never know what will happen next. I was naffed off with the pain before but now I am seriously pissed off as tomorrow, well in fact now today, I am going out for a few hours with Jay (hubby) for the first time since August (2015). And yes you read that right.

Unfortunately insomnia before a big event and believe me leaving the house for a few hours when it’s not a medical appointment is a huge event, seems to send my adrenaline levels soaring. I become really twitchy and unable to settle. I have been trying to wind down since 7pm, now 6 hours ago. I have got up, I have watched TV, I have read, I have listened to the radio, I have meditated there is nothing I haven’t done to try to drift off. Yet sleep remains elusive. The good news is the pain really has settled it is the best it has been in months. I am just cross with myself that I didn’t recognise the signs of B12 deficiency, it is not as if I haven’t been down this road before. It’s just this time my left leg didn’t start burning.

The other bonus is of course I get to finish my blog post a day earlier than normal. I get to put it to bed, pun intended and do not have to worry about being too exhausted to complete it as I went out on a jolly.

I really hope at some point the sandman visits, otherwise Jay will have a grumpy Rachel to deal with whilst negotiating the city centre pushing me in my chariot.