Broken

For the last few weeks I have been left wondering how you fix something that seems broken beyond repair? How do you move past the anger and pain? How do you get to a new normal? I am left scratching my head trying to work this all out. I have had to deal with so many broken things, body, mind and relationships that have fallen by the wayside. When do you say enough is enough?

Before anyone psychoanalyzes this one, hubby and I are fine, perfect in fact. This year he has provided me (as he always does) with unwavering support through this difficult year. I can’t thank him enough for that. There have been days where he must have been almost hysterical with fear because I was so sick but he stayed strong. He made sure I knew I could count on him when the chips were down and there aren’t many people these days that I could say that about.

For 9 years I have had to deal with a broken body (well since birth but it really raised its ugly head 9 years ago) and on the whole I am fine with that. Of course there are days when I ask “Why me?” or I think that I can’t possibly go on but I do. I can forgive myself those moments of weakness or perhaps vulnerability is a better word. Even though pain wise this year has been horrific I am still managing to do things to make myself happy and enjoy life. I think that is something to be proud of.

I have in the last nine years had to deal with many broken relationships. People I thought would be friends with forever have dropped by the wayside but not before treating me like crap. I should take some of the blame here, not because of ill-health but for allowing people to treat me that way. I am an incredibly loyal friend and will excuse bad behaviour up to a point. However at some point a line in the sand has to drawn, it just I can take a bloody age getting there. When I do though the fallout (pun intended) can be catastrophic, people don’t like being confronted with their bad behaviour. I am not for one instance say this believing I am perfect, I am not. When bringing up the subject I always say “I am sure there are things I must have done that have annoyed you”. I give them the opportunity to address issues so it’s not one-sided because if things are ever going to be put right the exchange has to be honest.

Maybe because by the time I deal with the situation there have been a series of events, such as not contacting me unless I contact them, not coming to see me (I can’t go to see them as I am virtually housebound although I would love to), being rude or overly critical etc, etc I have the examples to hand, they are on the back foot unprepared for the conversation? Because for so long I have let things slide and given them the benefit of the doubt. I know that something must’ve happened for them to change the way they have treated me. However from my side it seems the more I do for someone, the more they expect, then because I am forever trying to please them, I get taken for granted and the friendship gets abused. My inability to nip bad behaviour ( what else can you call it?) in the bud seems to give them the green light to walk all over me.

I hate confrontation with those who are close to me, I am too worried about hurting their feelings that I end up not expressing my own. I wonder if it is because of all the bullying I faced during my childhood that I don’t want to rock the boat and tell the person what they are doing is not ok? I can be loud, brash and seem to have endless self-confidence but really I am an anxious hot mess a lot of the time. I worry over stuff that shouldn’t be worried about, I worry late into the night about things that haven’t happened, I can get into a rut of worrying that can be a difficult cycle to break. I know it’s not healthy to be anxious or to be afraid of expressing what you want or need. Most of the time I am not worried about what I will say but what will happen once it’s been said, as the words can not be unsaid. I should however start putting myself first and starting from now that is exactly what I am doing. I will no longer have people riding roughshod over my feelings in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

At the moment I am only filled with anger, I know that is clouding my judgement. The extent of the anger only reinforces the hurt I have felt and the fact that I do care deeply about this friendship. If it had been anyone else they would have been told to go once this pattern of behaviour seemed to establish itself. I have asked myself the question over and over did I do something to deserve this? Have I ever done something to deserve this and does it make me a bad person if I cannot think of anything but the times I have bent over backwards and supported you?

In some cultures when an item is broken like a china bowl, they fill in the cracks and cover the repair with gold leaf, to make it unique and more beautiful than it was before. I wonder if that is possible with human relationships as I am not without hope on rare occasions.

So I find myself now in a situation where the conversation has been had but now I am unsure of where we go from here. It no longer feels the same which is something I never thought I would say. Do I concentrate on the good times which account for 98% of the time and ignore the 2%? Is it worth resuscitating, this hollow corpse of a friendship, which it has been for a while or now because apologies have been made do we forge a new relationship? I am unsure that I want to open myself up again to the risk of being hurt so badly, picked up again only to be dropped when something better comes along? Do I try to forget what has happened or do I forgive but never forget? Does shared history count for anything? Is I am sorry, enough?  When is it broken beyond repair?