"well if you're that f**king disabled get off facebook and take up knitting".

The title of my post will become clear as you read it. I apologise in advance for the language but I feel it has to be repeated here. The abuse that was hurled at me on facebook needs to be set in context so I apologise profusely for the preamble.

I have recently experienced some firsts the likes of which as a disabled person I had never experienced until a Sunday in May (2014). I have lived in fear of this kind of abuse for quite sometime now. Of course I have heard the horror stories about various forms of abuse the disabled encounter either on line or out in public but so far in my life I had been pretty well sheltered from it.

As a disabled person (7 years of professional experience under my belt) I know that many of the disabled community live in a constant state of fear when out in public or on line. Some have developed social phobias or agoraphobia such is the state of fear for them when outside the relative safety of their home.

 Since the coalition government took power in 2010 our lives  (the disabled) have got worse. It seems to be open season on the disabled in this country and this is being fuelled by the right wing media. It seems the disabled are nothing more than the whipping boy for this complete shower of .......(you fill in the blank) that are currently in power. The disabled are seen as scroungers, who fake their illness and take your money (the taxpayer) because they are too bone idle to work. 

Let me point out I would love to work, to get out of the house and socialise like a normal human being, its just I am yet to find a profession where I can carry out my job role lying down (there is one but I'm loath to get into the sex trade!).

The fact that these "scrounging scum" may have actually paid into the system during their working lives seems neither here nor there as far as the right wing press / political parties are concerned and the vitriolic bile they spew. If you are taking money from the state you're a scrounger. 

What the general public, who are being brainwashed by this message seem to forget is that the majority of people in this country would be classed as scroungers under this political mantra - Child Benefit, Child Tax Credits, Housing Benefit, Council Tax Benefit, DLA, PIP, ESA, the State Pension, these are all benefits being claimed by the same people who lap up the benefit fraudster stories in what passes for news these days. Yet all these people claiming these benefits seem to think their benefit claim doesn't count. It drives me mad that they can not see the wood for the trees.

And may god help you if you happen to be an immigrant and claiming benefit. The fact you may have had to leave your country due to a threat of bodily violence against you for being gay, speaking out against a corrupt regime or just being a woman, doesn't seem to matter to these people either.

I have been extremely lucky in the last seven years to not have my disability mocked or its extent disbelieved, on this particular Sunday in May that all changed. 

As usual I had asked a question of my friends on my personal facebook page not my The Myasthenia Kid page. The question was about some Morris Dancers that had performed in the town centre. I asked if it had made anyone else feel uncomfortable that they had performed with their faces blacked up. I will state here I am white, I wasn't trying to be all politically correct and Guardianista. I was asking a genuine question and I wanted to see how my friends felt about it. The discussion was a grown up adult debate that involved me researching on line during it to see what was the reason behind the Morris dancers being blacked up.

The question had been posted on late Saturday night, around 10pm and all involved had been very calm and everyone was respecting each others opinions. My view was in the minority which it occasionally is. Our town isn't very ethnically diverse so it was interesting to see if the answers corresponded to that. I imagine if I lived elsewhere in the country the answers would have been different. It was interesting and enjoyable, I love a good debate. I don't post these questions to be controversial and the people that are my friends know that I will ensure everyone remains polite and calm whilst discussing a subject.

I have posted numerous questions before to be debated however I will admit this probably was the edgiest yet. I have always tried to stay away from "controversial" issues when I ask a question, sticking to softer subjects like the length of school holidays or school cookery lessons etc.

Sunday morning was a different kettle of fish, a person that I am friends with for professional reasons (as in I have hired her on one occasion to do some work for me) decided to wade in both guns blazing. Her attitude was aggressive and she was determined to bully me into submission because my opinion differed from hers. She rattled off numerous posts, to which it became crystal clear she had neglected to read any of the comments contained within the debate. I kept pointing out to her what she was saying was factually incorrect and if she had read what had gone on the previous night she would realise what an arse she was making of herself. Obviously in my replies I wrapped it up a bit and wasn't quite so blunt. However once this keyboard warrior was set in motion there was no stopping her and she became more and more abusive and racist.

Anyone who knows me personally outside cyberspace, knows I will not apologise for feeling a certain way or holding a certain opinion. I asked her politely to stop being so aggressive and to stop reducing what had been a good debate into a playground slanging match but she continued. When it became clear to her that I wouldn't back down she posted 

   "well if you're that fucking disabled get off facebook and take up knitting".

I was so stunned by her comment initially I didn't know what to do. No one in the last 7 years has ever said anything so derogatory about my disability. I was in the midst of getting ready to out with my parents when she wrote that comment. I don't know what shocked me more the comment or the fact she is the mother of a disabled child or the fact that her child has mixed heritage.

When discussing it later with some of my "friends" they didn't think the comment was that bad and were confused by my reaction to it. I then asked them if it had been a racial slur would it still have been OK? The answer was a resounding no. So then I asked is it acceptable to make fun of disabled people or call them names like spastic, mongol etc? Again the answer was no. I then asked "do you now see why this was unacceptable to me?" I got a yes but I shouldn't have had to jump through hoops to get them to understand. 

If someone says something like "well if you're that f**king disabled get off facebook and take up knitting" firstly it makes me feel that she is questioning the level of my disability and secondly because I am disabled I am not "allowed" to be on facebook because thats for "normal" people. Which then in turn leads to the old fashioned belief that if you are physically impaired in any way you are also mentally impaired. This kind of thinking left a whole generation of bright physically impaired young people languishing in special schools which believed they would never progress beyond basket weaving. 

Thats why that sentence was so offensive to me and it should be to anyone who is disabled. I have a voice and I will use it. I will not be bullied or shamed into leaving something or somewhere because I don't fit into this trolls version of a "normal" person.

I like to credit my friends with some intelligence, their political views may differ wildly from my own but life is made up of so many different beliefs it would be ridiculous not to have friends that thought in a different way from you. What makes me sad is that they have bought into the propaganda being spewed out by this government. Where it is becoming socially acceptable to abuse disabled people. The police in this county have reported for the first time a rise in hate crime against the disabled. We have reached a tipping point and nobody but those affected by it seem to have noticed.

I know many of you have faced far worse abuse but this was the first time it had happened to me. Looking at it now I can see yes it was abusive but on the scale of things that have been said to others its pretty insignificant. At the time it didn't feel insignificant, it wounded me deeply, that someone that I "knew" could say those things to me and harboured those deep seated feelings against the disabled.

Deeply upsetting as her ignorant comment was I decided it wasn't going to ruin my day out. I felt at the time (and I still feel) that the best course of action was to delete the Troll and her comments. I have heard from other writer friends that Trolls are best dealt with by ignoring them or neutralising them. I couldn't leave my facebook page open all day for her to post her hateful messages that were not just against the disabled but were racist as well, when I would not be able to respond to them for hours.

So leaving the upset at home, I ventured out to a local supermarket, my first trip out of the house since before Christmas if you exclude hospital / doctor appointments. I was very nervous whilst I was out of the house as where I live is a small town and it was possible that the Troll could be shopping there as well. Thankfully there was no sign of her.

Whilst at the till, my mother had parked me up whilst she unloaded the trolley. I was sat there minding my own business, when I saw a woman making a beeline for me. I had my sunglasses on so I had a really good look at her as she approached me in case she was someone I really should recognise. She came closer and closer towards me and without a word put her hand on my arm rest and leaned right over me to pick something off a shelf. I sat there in stunned silence, my presence had been completely ignored by this woman and I had been reduced to just a fixture or fitting. Had I not had the run in with the Troll that morning I would have grabbed her arm and told her "excuse me!" however as I was feeling so vulnerable I didn't.

I couldn't believe that this had happened to me that the simple act of me being in a wheelchair had reduced me to the position of non human. I thought afterwards maybe this woman was equally as rude to the able bodied people around her. I will never know but to be reduced to nothing more than an extension of a shelf in the supermarket knocked the wind out of my sails. Especially when I was looking so gorgeous, having made a real effort to be glamorous for my trip out of the house. ( sarcasm alert - if you missed it!).

My sister has told me many stories of people climbing over her to get into lifts / toilets before her. How in pubs she has been called a "spastic" or worse. Its never happened to me, I've been very lucky. My exposure to the outside world is limited, a lot of my life is lead in cyberspace. I thought I had surrounded myself with "nice", decent people, who accepted me for who I am. I was wrong and that hurts too. Having met the Troll twice she seemed nice enough. However you never really know what's lurking underneath with some people until you get into an argument with them and then all their subconscious thoughts come flooding out.


I guess under this government and IDS its just going to get worse and I better get my big girl pants on ready to do battle. I certainly won't be taking up knitting!

Square Peg Round Hole - A letter to my teacher

Dear Teacher,

I have always been it seems, a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. My face doesn't fit and never seems to have, no matter what area of life I encounter. It was brought home to me even more last week when an old classmate posted a picture from Primary school circa mid 1980's on a social networking site.

Whilst everyone waxed lyrical about you, our class teacher and what fond memories of the place they had, all it did to me was send me straight back to the misery I endured as a child at that time. I was relentlessly bullied my fellow students and disliked immensely by the very same teacher they all loved, you.

In the mid 1980's when that picture was taken I was 10 years old, 5ft 6 inches tall and wearing a ladies size 7 (UK) shoe. I literally stood out like a sore thumb. If you add in that I was vegetarian and a committed atheist (not baptised or christened) and didn't wear the same clothes as the rest of them you can see why I was bullied. My nickname at school was Giant Haystacks after a wrestler that was popular during the 1980's, I hated it and now if I hear that name it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I was very different as a child and I am proud to say I still am different .I form my own beliefs, my own principles, I hold people to a high moral standard, I hate liars and people that are superficial. Unfortunately as a child I held those same beliefs and I saw straight through you. I would never lie or stay quiet to "fit in" its never been in my nature to do so and I'm glad that despite from the age of 4 until 18 that I was relentlessly bullied and picked on, my beliefs and moral standards / principles have never wavered. I have my parents to thank for that, although as a child (all I wanted to do was fit in and they never bought me the "right" clothes etc), I blamed them a little for the bullying I suffered.

I must have seemed to you, dreadfully precocious. Here is a 10 year old that challenges what you tell them and likes to express her own opinions, very different from my classmates. I was bookish, unathletic, quite bright and brimming with confidence. I was the ten year old that refused to go on the school trip to the maritime museum because I would rather spend the day in the library (and whose parents refused to pay for a trip I didn't want to go on, explaining as much on the permission slip). 

As we were called one by one to your desk to hand in our permission slips, I remember being filled with dread and cursing the fact my surname didn't begin with a Z. I handed you the slip and saw your face darken. You began shouting and screaming at me in front of  the class. I showed no emotion, I remember very clearly to this day it took all my might not to cry, I don't like shouting I never have. I remember I replayed the song "big girls don't cry" over and over in my mind, as you ranted and raved and eventually stormed out of the classroom. I returned to my seat the whole class watching me eager to find out why you had erupted. I kept my mouth shut, it was no one elses business.

What you did next I will never forgive you for. You sent home a letter to my parents asking them to attend a meeting with yourself and the headmaster, claiming I had thrown a tantrum when questioned as to why I didn't want to go on the trip. I didn't throw a tantrum, in fact I didn't do anything other than stand in front of your desk, hand you the permission slip and tell you that I didn't want to go. Until I arrived home that night and my parents showed me the letter, I had no idea about the lies you had spun to cover your own childish and unprofessional behaviour.

Luckily my parents knew that I always told them the truth when asked. Obviously kids lie but when it was something serious, like this allegation was they knew that I wouldnt. They sat me down that evening and discussed it with me. 

Thats the sort of thing you couldnt understand, parents discussing things with their children or the fact I was allowed to open and read my school report before my parents did. That used to wind you up a treat didn't it? Even the small square of cellotape you used to seal the envelope didn't stop me and in my last year, I would take great pleasure opening it up in the classroom in front of you. I know I can be a wind up merchant but by then I really no longer cared what you thought of me.

These days you wouldn't have got away with writing a letter home to my parents without corroborating statements from my classmates. It was a different time then and the teachers word ruled and the majority of people still respected your profession. Funny how thats all changed now but with teachers like you it was never going to last forever.

I have to say a little bit of my faith in adults was shattered that day, it was an important lesson for me to learn that people in authority can and do lie to cover their own asses. Its a real shame I had to learn it at the tender age of ten.

What makes me sad is I wasted so much of my time at school trying so very hard for you to like me. I could see through your phoney smiles, pretend niceness and knew that it wasn't working. I think thats what bothered you the most wasn't it?

At every opportunity you made fun of me in class when I struggled with maths. Yet you were the adult and should have figured out that my inability to understand maths was strange and needed further investigating. After all as you liked to tell everyone you were the maths specialist in our school. You turned a blind eye when other kids hit me for losing sports day races because athletics and I just didn't mix. How it must have galled you when I was chosen for the school netball team. That decision had been made by another teacher, had it been down to you I know I would have been excluded.

You decided from that day on you would make my life a misery, no matter how hard I tried to please you. I would try and act like the other kids getting you to talk to me like you did with the others. Your response was to send a school report home saying that I was attention seeking and demanding. I feel so sorry for that 10 year old child who tried so hard, the older me would tell her to cut her losses. This teacher wasn't worth all the pain and the heartache they caused.

 Did you know how your treatment of me used to make me cry myself to sleep?Did you enjoy crushing me constantly like I was some kind of bug or something  less than human ? How many children have had their educations ruined by teachers that don't like them I have to wonder? 

Thank god I was strong enough to realise I would only have to endure you for another 12 months or so. A weaker child would have given up on education completely but I had belief in myself and I knew I was clever enough for university and all your mocking wasn't going to dissuade me.

When you told my parents at a parents evening that I was "Joe Average and would never amount to anything" did you really mean it or were you still continuing your war of attrition against a child? It must have made you feel so superior and clever. I wonder how many other children you did this to and how you manage to sleep at night?


I remember many years ago now, you came through my checkout when I was working my way through university. You thought you were oh so superior. All I saw was a sad, grey haired, still overweight, person in front of me, not this person of power you had been all those years ago. I wanted to tell you then what I have intimated now but couldn't because I was working. When you sneeringly asked if this is what I was doing now, I cheerfully replied "No I am doing a degree in history and paying my own way, not bad for a Joe Average". The look on your face was a picture! Something I will treasure for years to come and whenever I think about you, which is rarely. You clearly remembered what you had said about me to my parents all those years ago. I wonder how many other children's parents were convinced by you that their children were not academic enough for university, through your vicious throwaway remarks.

Its sad that someone in your position abused their power so easily and used the children in their class to bolster their own ego. To me you are someone who never should have entered the teaching profession. You don't get to pick and choose which kids you teach and you aren't supposed to have favourites or make your charges lives a misery.

I am now 40 and amazed a photograph from the mid 1980's can stir up so many negative memories for me. I can honestly say I didn't enjoy school, there were days that were less crap than others but on the whole it was a pretty joyless experience.

Honestly I am happy that I am different, I may not like the consequences I have endured due to being that way but I know who I am. I dont ask for anyones approval to be me.  I've certainly never needed yours.

I am a fighter, one of lifes scrappers and I will always do my best in any situation that is thrown at me. 

Thank you for showing me that adults in authority were not to be trusted. I may have learnt that a little earlier than my classmates but its the only thing of worth I can remember you ever teaching me. So thanks for that.

So Teacher, I am a square peg in a round hole and do you know what I don't care.

Sincerely,

Your less than favourite pupil.