Car Accident

 It goes on and on, we are still waiting to hear from the insurance company whether or not the car is a write off. Unofficially the garage has told us they believe it is but it is all in the hands of the insurance company. With Covid many of their workforce are still working from home, so everything is taking far longer than it should. It is frustrating when some of us are already back to a semi normal - as in hubby is back at work and has been for a while. The stupid thing is for every day that the car is at the garage with nothing happening the insurance company will be getting billed. Same for the hire car we have been provided with. It would be in the companies financial interest to make this process go as quickly as possible but instead it feels like we are constantly walking through treacle. I really don't cope well with uncertainty. Not having a car, not being able to look at cars, as there is no point until we have a decision makes my anxiety go up through the roof. Plus with not working I am stuck at home all day with no real distraction from it, fielding the phone calls from the Police who are now involved, thankfully not about us but the other driver and the insurance company as and when they don't hide behind the data protection act, like they did this morning......when it has been me that has been injured and they wanted to talk to Mr Myasthenia Kid about it. You couldn't make it up.

I am still in pain from my injuries, my left arm constantly has pins and needles. Previous when I have had a trapped nerve in my neck the pins and needles would start usually when I was sat at the sewing machine. That healed and I hadn't had any issues for quite a while, since the crash I get no respite at all from the weird feelings in my arm that cover the whole of my shoulder joint, go all the way down my arm and into my fingers. It is incredibly annoying, I scratch the back of my hand a lot because the feeling can be like an itchy burning pain. I have had to stop though as all I do is rip the skin and it doesn't stop the feeling it just intensifies it. I also still can't turn my head properly, so I struggle to look behind me or turn my head to either side. Which isn't great when I am using my mobility scooter, well it isn't safe. So that is now also off limits for the moment.

What has surprised me most is the low mood, it has come out of nowhere. I am guessing it stems from the feeling of things being totally out of control, being in pain and just the turmoil this accident has created. I just don't want to do anything at all, then I feel guilty for not wanting to do anything. It is crazy, doing anything I would normally do is causing me pain or for the pins and needles to intensify so it takes away the desire to do anything. Which then leaves me with no distractions at all so I fall down the car accident rabbit hole and find stuff to obsess about and worry about. 

I hate all this adulting stuff. I am envious of Jay as for 9 hours a day he gets to forget about the accident and do his job. It is with me 24/7, with no escape and idiots on social media telling me that I don't need to worry that the car insurance will pay for a new car. Having already had one car written off nine years ago I know that these people mean well but are living in la la land. The insurance won't pay out what it would cost to replace like for like. They will give us a pay out that could be £500-£1000 short of what we would need to replace like for like. That is why you can get gap insurance when you buy a car, it covers the gap that the insurance leaves because the insurance company only pays you blue book price or what a car dealership would pay for the car, not what they would charge you if you bought it. It is a bloody racket with the consumer losing out all the time.

There is also the additional complication that many car dealers just aren't open or they are appointment only due to Covid. So it isn't like we can just have a mooch around and look at cars either. Another one of the joys of having a car accident during lock-down! what fun it is.

I'm so sorry that this post isn't all rainbows and roses but I have always tried to be honest when writing this and I am feeling really down about it all. I can't pretend otherwise.

Thankfully Dembe is fine if not a little clingy, he seems happier in the car again now after being a little stressed last week. Jay is having problems sleeping, quite often I hear him rattling around in the middle of the night. He is also having anger issues and is on a ridiculously short fuse. People may say it is only a hunk of metal and that would be the case if it hadn't caused all these other issues. Jay is feeling bad because he couldn't protect me from being injured and he couldn't stop Dembe being exposed to a car accident. Is it any wonder he has been impacted psychologically. When I do manage to sleep I am having the weirdest dreams, again all stemming from the accident.

In the week since the accident we have had a handmade lampshade delivered where the fabric has been used the wrong way up, my hair straighteners have gone bang - great in the current weather as I am now a frizzy mess, my big toe nail on my left toe has decided to peel off out of the blue. The only good thing is that my gp has agreed to me having HRT in an attempt to stop my migraines and the awful vasomotor symptoms I am having due to the menopause.

Before the crash we had bought a lazy spa , that was delivered with a European 2 pin plug which isn't very good when we use a 3 pin plug in the UK and an adaptor wouldn't be safe. So I have also been having to sort out a refund from Amazon who are saying it could be 6 weeks. So I could do with a change in my luck currently. It is about time the universe found someone else to pick on!

Life Laundry - moving on.

Me and Travis

I don't know what it is about October but it seems to be a catalyst for me to have a look at my life and change things. Remove those things that are causing me unhappiness / hurt. To assert myself and decide that those who do not treat me with respect will no longer have that option. I have no idea what makes me so brave in October, maybe it is because it is my birthday the following month? Is it because I don't want another year of feeling unhappy, unworthy, stressed out by people or things or events? Maybe I just don't want another birthday where I compromise and don't put myself and my happiness first?  October as I have written about before is a month of sadness for me, even more so this year as it is full of anniversaries now of dogs and people I have lost. 

First it is my Grans birthday, I miss her more than I imagined I would. That may sound strange but for much of my childhood she was someone I spoke to on the phone and perhaps saw twice a year as she lived at the other end of the country. I stupidly believed that life would continue on as normal when the time came but I have to admit there have been so many occasions that I have gone to ring her and realised that she is no longer here. She would have loved Dembe, she loved dogs and told me on more than one occasion that if she had owned Buster ( her dog ) first she would never have had children. I miss her sense of humour and Jamie's face when he tried to speak to her on the phone but struggled due to her Aberdonian accent.

The following day it would have been the babies - Frankie's and Willow's 13th birthday. I wasn't really conscious that day due to the hemiplegic migraine I came down with. I knew it was coming and I was feeling sad so I do wonder if both those anniversaries triggered or played a part in triggering the migraine. It wasn't something either of us was talking about it was the elephant in the room. Plus that birthday is shared by our niece who was celebrating her 30th birthday which left us feeling ancient. She was just 8 years old when I met Jamie. 

Today 16th October Dembe celebrates his 11 month birthday. He has celebrated in style this morning by having his very first swim in a pond on the common. He has been really funny about water outside of the home, he leaps over or avoids puddles at all costs. He would barely get his feet wet by paddling in ponds when very small and ran away from the sea when we took him down the beach.  So to hear he has had a swim is really funny. Unfortunately Jay thought he had videoed the event on his phone but when he came back to show me, he had taken about 1 seconds worth of footage. It's not the end of the world Dembe will probably now be a regular swimmer and Jay will take better footage. 

I'm glad that it is only this year that we count the months of Dembe's age. As our first dog Travis passed away on 17th October 2006, 13 years ago and in all those years there is not a day that goes by when he doesn't pop into my head. Of course I know that the chances are that he would have passed away by now but to lose a dog before his 3rd birthday is a unique kind of hurt. When you get a puppy you expect to have at least 10 good years with them. Believe me those ten years fly by. If you get longer, which we have been incredibly lucky to do with Mollie ( Travis' sister), Frankie and Willow, (Mollies children), the loss isn't so hard to bear. Its tough believe me especially losing Frankie and Mollie within 7 days of each other. I have said it before and I shall say it again, I thought I would drop dead from the pain of it all. However the pain you feel when they don't reach that milestone of ten years is a pain like no other. I don't think I will ever be able to say that the pain has truly gone.

October 25th marks Travis' birthday, we first saw him when he was three days old. At that point we had no idea which pup would be our boy but his name was already chosen and we were so excited already that we were having problems sleeping. It seemed such a grown up thing to be doing, even though we were both 29! Three days after his birth on a Tuesday we moved into our home and have been here ever since. I can't believe it has been 16 years already, it still feels like it was just a few years ago. But the little boy two doors down is now coming up for 21 and works and the same place hubby does.

There doesn't seem to be a week in October that doesn't hold a significant anniversary. For years I always used to hate October, I would start to feel down the minute the clock struck midnight on October 1st. I would just feel sadder and sadder until the 17th and then I would spend that day blubbering on and off, trying to deal with the overwhelming grief that I felt over losing Travis. Some years are easier than others. Last year it was a terrible day, I sat on the sofa all day crying being comforted by Frankie not realising how little time I had left with him. This year it doesn't feel so bad. Probably because we have our little ray of sunshine Dembe to keep us on our toes. He is such a happy dog it is pretty impossible to stay sad for more than a few moments as he will do something that will either melt your heart or make you dissolve into fits of laughter. I also think after going through that double loss at the start of the year all other grief / pain pales into insignificance.

Whilst October has for many years been a sad month for me, it also has become a significant milestone for my friendships. I am an extremely loyal friend who will fight to the death for you. I am the place you run to when you need help or comfort. Wrongly I put you before me and sometimes individuals take advantage of this and abuse my friendship. I don't deliberately ever plan to sit and take stock of my friendships at this point in the year. It seems to be something that happens. I think it is because with my birthday the following month I think to myself "would I want to spend my birthday with this person?" Would I feel comfortable accepting a gift from them knowing how I feel about them?" I normally just look at the people I have been moaning to Mr Myasthenia Kid. He will tell me quite honestly if this is a conversation we have had many times before. He will ask me "if next year will we be having the same discussion?" Some years I do nothing, I soldier on determined to make the best of things as due to my health conditions friends who come and see me are in short supply. I do have wonderful friends on Instagram and Facebook but sometimes you need to actually speak to someone, share physical space with them. If it has got to the point where I don't want to spend time with a person and would rather spend days on end alone then I know it is time to move on. Be it a friendship of two years or twenty. I have no desire to flog a dead horse. I won't beg, I won't demand, I just leave and move on with my life. I have done it before, I will probably do it many times.

I don't expect much from friendship, I certainly don't expect to be the centre of your universe, we all have our own lives and all the demands placed on them. I do expect to be more than an afterthought. I do expect manners, loyalty and respect. I also like communication, conversation that is two way. I will hold my hand up and admit I can be crap at remembering to message people but I do make an effort for those who I consider in my  close circle. I will always be there for my friends like they are for me. 

To be fair it's not just my friendships that have come under scrutiny in this life laundry. I have done a lot of sorting out of clothes, belongings etc Donating a lot to charity as both hubby and I are on a diet and so much of our clothing has become tent like. I have been taking a look at each room and trying to reduce the clutter. It seems again to be a pattern of mine in October! probably because I want the house looking nice for our birthdays or Christmas.

As a friend told me its Life Laundry, as in it's a spring clean of relationships. You get rid of the crap and the unnecessary. As she said "it's tough but necessary" and she is right. You shouldn't cling to things that no longer make you happy.  

I already feel so much happier and uncluttered. Even though there is a huge anniversary for me tomorrow I am not facing it with the usual dread.  It is time to move on.

Frankie

Mollie and Willow

Gran & me

Changes

I am not very good with change these days, when I worked it was a culture of adapt or die as things changed constantly but when your world is as small as mine changes happen less frequently and when they do they can rock your world.

For the last 20 years I have had the same neighbours. When I moved into my flat back in 1996, my neighbours rented the flat below mine. When we moved to our current location I had no idea that my old neighbours would be living next door. We laugh about it and say that I am stalking them but it was purely chance. They lived on the street I wanted to live on but when they moved I had no idea where they had moved to. So when we were looking around the house for the first time P stuck her head out of the bedroom window and accused me of making the house prices drop. We have been good friends with our neighbours for years and know that should we ever need them day or night they would be there for us. As they proved the night or more correctly 3am in the morning six years ago when Jay was hit by a drunk driver in a stolen car. Having no family in Exmouth means that we rely on friends to help us out. Our friends have become like an extended family, so it has been very hard to accept that this will no longer be the case.

On 30th November P let me know that her tenancy had been terminated. Through no fault of their own they would have to move, the landlord had decided that a member of their family needed the house and now P and her long-term partner would have until the end of February to vacate the premises. Obviously it has been a deeply stressful time for them both, house rental prices in Exmouth are astronomical, when you add in agency fees and the cost of moving, it makes it very difficult to find somewhere. Thankfully they have but hubby and I are left without them. They will still be in Exmouth but currently it feels to me like they may as well be moving to the other side of the country. It seems selfish to be sad that they are moving when it is their lives that have been turned upside down but I hate it. I have been left feeling very unsettled and it’s not the only change I have had to face.

A few weeks into December we received a letter from our doctors surgery that informed us that our gp was leaving the practice mid February. Our doctor is one of those gp’s that goes above and beyond for us. He is the only one that has ever understood the stress placed on Jay looking after me. Whenever I speak to him he always asks after Jay and he does the same when hubby speaks to him. If I ring to speak to the duty doctor he always rings me back, as he knows all my drug allergies and various medical problems. We know that whenever we need him he will be there and now he is going. I am terrified of what my new doctor will be like, my current gp has learnt alongside me as I have been on my journey of understanding EDS and PoTs / Dysautonomia. When he took a sabbatical last year he worked as a gp in a different part of the country and diagnosed a young woman with EDS. He proudly told me this when I saw him on his return, he told me if he had never had me as a patient that wouldn’t have happened. That was a really nice thing for him to say. I know he’s not a friend he is our doctor but I am really going to miss him. With both him and my neighbours leaving it feels like our safety net has been pulled out from under us.

I can’t say that I see our neighbours or our gp on a regular basis but the thing is I know they are there if I need them. When things go wrong I know if it’s medical I can call the surgery, if it’s something to do with the house I know I can rely on P’s partner to help. Numerous times he has helped us decorate, nail down flapping fence posts and rescue the dogs on the night Jay was hit by another car. They have acted like family, I am worried that we will lose that when they have moved.

I know they aren’t moving to the other side of the planet but I also know how easy it is to lose touch with people. I experienced it myself when I moved from Plymouth to Exmouth. I tried keeping in touch with my friends but it felt like it was all one way traffic. Unless I rang them I never heard from them, I guess it was out of sight out of mind. I have also had friends leave the workplace, still living in Exmouth but you lose the friendship when you don’t see each other everyday.

The change or the prospect of change has hit me hard and now my anxiety levels are through the roof. I am no longer sleeping properly (I haven’t done since P told me the news on 30th November) and I find myself getting anxious over the slightest thing. My anxiety is waking me from sleep and I am constantly having my stress dreams where I am trying to read a book but instead of letters there are symbols and the pages are turning too fast for me to read what is on the page. I get so annoyed with these dreams that I wake myself up, which then leads to less sleep, which then leads to an increase in my pain levels. I just can’t seem to win at the moment.

I am however winning on the gluten-free front. I have had around a week now with no stomach pain, diarrhoea or excessive wind. It seems really weird not to be guffing all the time, just goes to show what a an old wind bag I was previously. It is really weird not having a stomach that blows up the minute you eat or drink anything. Since giving up gluten I have also had no reflux whereas over Christmas I was waking up during the night with a mouthful of vomit, choking. My skin rashes are also clearing up and my hidradenitis suppurativa has also improved. I don’t want to say my HS has gone as I will end up with a very painful abscess

This week is a busy week with a gp appointment (probably the last time I will ever see him) and I have my caffeine infusion on Thursday, today if you are reading this blog on the 12th January. I class any week with more than one appointment in it as a busy week as I will need several days to recover afterwards.

Mollie on her dad's new Star Wars bedding.