I'm back

 I'm back after my two week sabbatical! I am so glad that I did take that time off as, things never ever go smoothly in the Myasthenia Kid household and this "holiday" was no different.

The first two days of our holiday had been written off due to the fact we were having a new boiler installed and two radiators replaced. Everything was going swimmingly until the Tuesday morning when the plumber managed to go through the stud wall when hanging the bathroom radiator. It isn't the first time this has happened, when installing a toilet roll holder for me, my next door neighbour went straight through the stud wall. Yes our house is that poorly constructed and the shock of it is that this is apparently worth £224,000-£234,000 in today's market. How on earth is anyone supposed to get on the housing ladder these days? Anyway I digress. The contractors were  fantastic, the plumber was straight onto his boss and by the evening I had been emailed with a very sincere apology and dates / times of when people would be around to sort out the damaged wall. This was all great but meant a further 3 extra early mornings for us as the boiler installation went over into another day, and three visits from the company's decorators to fix the damage, sand the wall and then repaint.

*** for those of a delicate disposition skip the next paragraph!**

Hilariously on the second day of the boiler installation I came down with a stomach bug and not the throwing up kind. As I was sat on the sofa in the lounge I could start to hear every part of my intestines sloshing around and lots of gas also building up. Due to the stud walls in our house and it being a two up two down I didn't wish to share my experience of the stomach bug with the contractor, so I spent from 2pm until 5.30pm with my arse cheeks firmly clenched hoping that there were no suddenly loud noises. I had to time letting rip with the guy using the drill so that he couldn't hear me because the wind was so loud, honestly I could have filled a few helium balloons. Obviously as time ticked on it became more and more dangerous to break wind. Which led to the worse issue of my stomach just expanding due to the sheer amount of gas trapped. By the time the guy left after 5.30pm ,I raced up the stairs and over the course of the next several hours every thing I had ever eaten since 1973 proceeded to exit my body in liquid form.😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

** it's safe now **

Anyway I was fine the next day, thank goodness as we had the plumber back to commission the boiler and a decorator to do the first part of the repair. By Thursday I was on my knee's with tiredness as I really don't cope with early morning starts. I can get up early but having to get showered and dressed by 08.30am is really hard because there is no time available for resting.

I had been sleeping really well for a change and hadn't had to get up in the night and change my pillows to stop a headache . However for some reason on Thursday evening the neck pain I have been experiencing since 11th August 2020 ( RTC ) came back. I had a break of about a week and then on the 29th July the headaches and neck pain came back so severely I haven't known what to do with myself. I am sat writing this with a neck brace on because my neck is just so painful and I am again experiencing headaches day and night. Some of them build up slowly over the course of a day and then become full blown migraines. I seem to be on a permanent diet of sumatriptan at least once a day at the moment. I have no idea why it has kicked off even worse than it has been in a while. It has pissed me off today as I had planned to get some bits and pieces done and due to my head and neck being so sore I can't and that fucks me off when I am feeling ok(ish) with all the other health shit going on.

We did have a lovely two weeks together, even if we ended up with 5 days of contractors coming in. Mr Myasthenia Kid had to go down to his mum's for two days of our holiday and help her with various things. I really feel for him having lost his dad 19 weeks ago he had to face the fact his mum is terminally ill. He feels awful for being an hour away but he also has me and Dembe to care for whilst working full time. It can't be easy for him. He feels like he is never with his mum enough and no one should ever feel like that. I don't think his father's passing has hit him properly, I am fully expecting him to come down with a huge bump when the American Football season starts as this was the thing that he and his dad could talk about for hours. Although there are people at work that he can chat to about the football, it isn't the same as chatting to your dad about your favourite team - they are Washington Fans. 

So I do the best I can keeping things on an even keel at home, managing my health to keep it stable. Try to support him when he lets me in and tells me what is going on in his head. It is hard but at least he has started telling me the days that he is struggling.

Dembe adored having his dad home for two weeks. The first week Mr Myasthenia Kid was home I barely got a look in. It was the Dembe and daddy show. His little boy followed him everywhere. On the second week Dembe suddenly realised I was still here and then shared his cuddles out equally. To be honest I never mind about the Dembe and daddy Love In, as I know I get Dembe to myself for 5 days a week around 9 hours a day most weeks of the year. I love the fact that when Jay is home Dembe has to show him how much he loves him.

Dembe also enjoyed barking at all the contractors we had here as well! It was only on the third day that he stopped barking at the plumber. On the day when the wall was repainted we got him a Venison leg to chew on. He absolutely adored that and it kept him busy for a good 90 minutes allowing the decorator to come and go without being barked at.

The two week's went by so quickly, Dembe and I are now getting ourselves back into a routine again. Thankfully we have both slipped back into our usual work day routines nice and easily.

I forgot to say on the first weekend of Mr Myasthenia Kids holiday we attended a wedding reception in the evening. Dembe went in his Tuxedo and was the belle of the ball! Even the official wedding photographer took his photograph.

To attend the wedding reception we had to do Lateral Flow tests for Covid. Up until then Jay and I had managed to not have to be tested for Covid. Jay was a bloody nightmare, he is useless with stuff like this. I dread anything where he may need eye drops etc as he can't relax and allow you to do it. He scrunches up his eyes and then tells me he isn't scrunching up his eyes. So I knew the covid tests were going to be a barrel of laughs. Our Lateral Flow tests needed us to swab our tonsils 4 times each and then using the same swab, go up our nose and almost tickle our brains with the end of the swab. I did mine myself no issue. I have virtually no gag reflex, nothing happens when something hits the back of my throat. I can't even make myself sick. I knew Jay would be the complete opposite.

I ended up having to get a teaspoon from the cutlery drawer to hold his tongue down as every time I swabbed his tonsils he gagged and his tongue hit the swab. When I did up his nose with the swab he couldn't stop laughing and then he sneezed around 4 times. Poor sod as the first test he did came back as null and void so I had to repeat the process for him. We were both negative.

When Jay was walking Dembe around the block later that day our neighbour asked him if his test result was negative. Thanks to the open patio door in the kitchen as I had done the swabs our neighbours had been entertained by me telling Jay to pull himself together and allow me to swab his tonsils. Only in our house!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

So as you can see it has been a fun packed two weeks. We enjoyed the wedding reception and got to catch up with a few people I haven't seen since I left work, so that's 13 years. We only stayed 2 hours as I was struggling with pain and temperature control. But it was worth it to just see everyone's reaction to Dembe who was treated like a Prince and brought his own water bowl by the staff who worked there.

It did seem strange not to be blogging or thinking up blog posts whilst I took two weeks off.

 I'm back!

Holiday

 As hubby is on a weeks holiday from work I shall just leave you with this video of Dembe having a swim on Woodbury Common this week. He loves having a swim. Jay takes videos as I can't be there to see him swimming.

HRT

 Good god I feel old, as of last Thursday night, I started HRT ( Hormone replacement therapy). I was put on it for a number of reasons but the main one was an attempt to get a handle on my migraines that have just spiralled out of control since March this year. Leaving me some weeks having 3 a week. I was feeling permanently exhausted by it all, some of it was the migraine hangover and the rest was the Sumatriptan that although stops the migraine in its tracks leaves me feeling drowsy for the next 24 hours.

I'm not the youngest person to be put on HRT, I know people who have been placed on it since their 30's due to premature menopause or surgical menopause ( post hysterectomy ) but I am a good 5 years below the national average of the onset of menopause which is 51 in the UK. So whilst I am 46 and amongst the first in my friendship groups to be placed on it, it is making me having to deal with the fact that the first flush of youth is well and truly over. Middle age is upon me and it is making me feel sad. 

The sadness has nothing to do with my fertility being over, that isn't something that has bothered me. Although I can understand why some women would be upset by this especially those who have entered menopause early before they had the opportunity to have children. I am lucky I don't feel robbed by it, just relief as my periods were just so painful they would dominate 14 days out of the month. I would get cramps up to 7 days before my period began along with tremendous amounts of water retention, I would have period pain for the whole time I bled and it would be at the same intense level throughout. The pains when I had them were so strong I could time the contractions of my womb ( one of the many reasons why I don't have children as if periods hurt that much the pain of having a child would kill me, no word of exaggeration). Having periods made me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I had asked repeated doctors to let me have a hysterectomy, all they would ever say was no because I hadn't had children yet. The best thing that ever happened to me was being put on the contraceptive pill cerazette which stopped my periods completely. I was no longer dictated to by my monthly cycle.

Since 2016 I have endured ever increasing peri-menopausal / menopausal symptoms. I started sweating really heavily at the slightest physical exertion after not really being a sweaty person. I noticed my natural body odour change as well and became paranoid that I smelled, despite Mr Myasthenia Kid and countless friends telling me it wasn't the case. Then out of no where I was hit with crippling anxiety. I have always been an anxious person but this was off the charts, like nothing I could fully explain. I felt like there was a tight ball of barbed wire in my chest and I carried it with me everywhere. I had a constant feeling of my heart skipping a beat in fear. Due to the level of bereavements we went through in a short period of time I put the ever increasing anxiety levels down to a response to the grief. My life felt like it was spiralling out of control. It wasn't uncommon for me to wake up at 1-2am in a full blown panic attack with absolutely no idea what I was panicking about. 

I would find myself in a cycle of  very unhealthy catastrophising thought patterns. I never looked for the silver lining only the absolute worse case scenario. I spent the first year of Dembe's life worrying constantly that he would die. There was no indication that this was going to happen, it was just a constant thought in my mind. I worried about him constantly. The worst thing was I couldn't share my fear because I was concerned that people would think I was deliberately trying to harm him or that I was just plain weird. It was a very lonely place to be and I feel like I missed out so much of that first year due to this irrational fear. I put my fear down to Travis, our first dog becoming sick at 6 months old and passing away just before his 3rd birthday. I also reasoned out losing Frankie and Mollie in quick succession had just made me hyper-vigilant and that it would pass. I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to check he was still breathing.

Carrying that level of anxiety day in, day out is exhausting. Especially when it is yours alone to bear.  That is why I can't get over the fact that with just a few doses of HRT (4 so far, I am writing this on Monday morning) that ball of barbed wire in my chest has gone. I have lost that feeling of everything being out of my control. My anxiety hasn't gone completely, I think I will always have some level of anxiety as that is who I am . I would be anxious if I didn't have anxiety! I am feeling much more relaxed and even Mr Myasthenia Kid has said there is a glow about me, something he hasn't seen for a very long time. He said the look of worry has gone from my face and I am back to being like the old me.

HRT hasn't been without side effects, had I known that one of them would be rampant diarrhoea - and I mean the time when it sounds like you have taken a piss out of your ass ( sorry if that is TMI but really I have been writing this blog for 12 years if you are only just offended where have you been?)I would not have started it on Thursday night when I was going to be travelling with Jay and Dembe to look at cars, with at least two 90 minute journeys. Thankfully I woke up at 5am so I could take many doses of imodium ( 8 tablets I ended up taking that day) to stop everything I had eaten form 1973 on-wards pouring out of me. Thankfully after the first day this side effect stopped. I had reached out on social media and asked if anyone else had suffered this side effect and a few people had. I also googled it and found that I wasn't alone with this symptom. Thankfully it did settle down after Friday and I have been fine since.

After the first dose I immediately felt different - well the next morning. Normally Fridays trip out to buy a car would have had me awake all night and feeling anxious and I felt none of those things. I felt reasonably relaxed and happy. Again another feeling I hadn't felt in a while, happiness. Whilst I hadn't been depressed, it was more like a feeling of being low / blue every day, I just felt more in the moment instead of caught up in my head . I even found myself singing which is something I haven't done a lot of for many years. For a couple of years I have felt like an imposter going through the motions of my life, now I feel like it is me. I am not having to pretend I am happy or that inside that I am not a simmering pot of anxiety and rage. Rage has been another symptom I have suffered from. I could and would just explode over the smallest of things.

I am still crying at the drop of a hat which winds me up no end. I only have to watch a slightly sentimental advert and the tears are rolling down my face. I have got into the Canadian series Heartland ( about a horse whisperer, her family and a horse ranch). I watch it most nights before i go to sleep as it is on Netflix and there are 13 seasons. I haven't watched an episode yet without crying at something. I seem to be lasting longer before the tears start, I am hoping that as my body gets used to the HRT * which could take up to 12 weeks, these tears will stop.

I am yet to know if the HRT will make any difference to my migraines, I woke up with one on Friday for the first time in ages. Normally I have been having them start in the afternoon with a classic aura. It could take up to 12 weeks for it to reduce  / stop my migraines. It could also not do anything at all, which means I may have to try different types of HRT to find the optimal one. I really am keeping everything crossed that at the very least my migraines are reduced if not stopped as the last 5 months have been very tough with so many days lost to them.

The hot flushes I was having have also reduced in severity since starting HRT 4 days ago. My hot flushes tend to go in cycles, sometimes they are awful every 20 minutes all day every day to the point my clothes are soaked through and I have to go and change. Filled with the paranoia that I am stinking of B.O due to the level of sweating. It got to the point this summer that I gave up drying my hair. There was just no point as the heat from the hairdryer and straightening irons would have me sweat so profusely that I would have to wait an hour to cool down before I could get dressed. I couldn't apply make up ( on the rare occasions I wore it) as it would just be sliding off my face due to the sweat running down in. When the flushes were at there worst it would leave me feeling dirty and down because I had no control over what was happening to my body despite using supplements such as red clover, sage, black cohosh, royal jelly etc.

This severe sweating cycle would then out of the blue just stop sometimes after months, sometimes after weeks. I would be able to dry my hair and only have to dab my face a few times. I would have possibly two flushes a day and the menopause would be back to feeling manageable. It was the never knowing day to day what the menopause would bring that would leave me feeling stressed.

4 days into HRT and the sweating / hot flushes are reducing massively. I haven't had to change my t shirt 15 minutes after first putting it on because I had armpit rings - something I have never suffered with even when I was well and would go to the gym. If it stops these or just reduces the hot flushes to the point where a tissue will dab the beads of sweat off my face I can live with that after the summer I have just been through.

Just 4 doses in and I can understand why some women say that HRT is a miracle drug and has given them their lives back. Until I started 4 days ago I really didn't realise how much of my life had been lost to the menopause over the last few years.

Oh and we did get a car on Friday and the plan is that we will pick it up tomorrow ( Tuesday 25th August 2020).

Face masks

A few weeks ago I helped the local NHS hospital by altering some surgical masks for them that had come in but the elastic ear loops were too big. This led to a few of my friends asking if I would be making face masks or would I make them some face masks for them or their friends and family. I know the jury is out on the use of face masks. This post isn't about that, there are research papers that are for and against the use of face masks by the general population. I think we can all agree that "home made" face masks when worn provide protection to other people more than the wearer - which is why many countries have adopted  the wearing of face masks so that they can all protect each other from Covid-19 and other nasties.

Initially I was very much in the camp of home made masks are bad. That they provided a false sense of security and that by having poor mask etiquette that they could cause more harm than good - if someone continually touches the front of the mask when wearing it and doesn't wash their hands after they are capable of spreading their germs far and wide on every surface they touch. Since then there have been articles in The Guardian,  The New York Times that have shown even home made masks when constructed from the right materials can offer a level of protection that hadn't been anticipated. Add in a filter to those masks - made of an unwoven material or a special mask filter ( you can buy at various oulets) they can provide as much protection as the surgical masks I was altering the other day. A link to the New York Times article can be found here.  The Daily Mail did an article -here The Guardians Article can be found here. So I am now very much of the opinion that yes we should all be wearing face masks of some description when out in public to help protect each other.

So for the last 20 days when physically able I have been making masks for friends and family to wear. All I have asked for is the cost of materials, being on a tight budget I can't afford to be giving away material, elastic and pipe cleaners etc as much as I may wish too. With Mr Myasthenia kid at home, he has been able to keep Dembe entertained and do the chores I would normally push myself to do that would wipe out my energy reserves. Even with him doing that I have had a couple of days in that 3 week period where I have crashed hard just due to pushing myself too hard for too long in an effort to keep people supplied with masks and not letting anyone down. I am on an enforced break now as I have run out of elastic - I thought I had ordered enough but apparently not! I am awaiting fresh supplies. 

To be honest I am quite glad for the break, I am so tired mentally and physically it hasn't been until I have stopped that I have realised how far past my reserves I have got. I always find it amazing how knackered I can be doing nothing ( but obviously I am not doing nothing as I am taking care of myself. I just judge myself way too harshly and think I should be as active as the next person even when in reality I know that is an impossibility ). There have been evenings when I have been so tired that I am unable to form a coherent sentence or stand up straight. The rest was long over due.

For my mask pattern I used this Youtube tutorial

Mr Myasthenia Kid has been helping me with cutting, pressing , folding pipe cleaners for the nose bands, going to the post office etc All the things that can take me more time than an able bodied person and things that I can't do such as a post office run. Without his help and support I would never have been able to make the number of masks I have. 

I have been running on adrenaline for days, I knew I had. Last weekend I was supposed to be taking some time off for sewing but instead I started several other projects. Today (Tuesday  21st April ) is the first time I have sat and just done nothing. Everything is hurting and I feel zombie tired. Which is why I tend to keep pushing and pushing because I know how incapacitating the crash will be. I have always been a boom and bust merchant. Plus keeping busy stops me worrying about Covid-19 and what would happen if either of us got it. 

So due to my lack of elastic I have had to have a day off and it feels strange. I'm so tired though it was very clear that I needed it. I did manage to get Jay to help me highlight my hair as I am having real problems lifting my arms above my head. Within seconds of doing it I am getting awful pain in my shoulder joints. Normally I would battle on through but it is just too sore for that and I am having to put my arms down. He has done a good job and now my roots look far less obvious than they did previously.

I did have a lovely surprise this morning finding out that Natasha McCarty from Natasha Makes was sending me a gift after hearing about my run in with a pin cushion on Saturday!

On Saturday when I was busy making a baby bib for a friends new baby, I didn't notice that I had knocked my pin cushion onto the floor. It had gone pin head side down leaving the sharp ends pointing up but hidden by the pin cushion. I use this particular pin cushion as it has sentimental value to me. It was my late paternal grandmothers and I use a lot of her old sewing stuff on a daily basis. It was only when I got up from my sewing machine and I removed my foot from the pedal, that I placed my foot on top of the pin cushion ( I was wearing socks only) and put all my weight through that foot to stand up. To say the air was blue would be an understatement! It took me ages to get all the pins out of my foot as there were around 20 or so on the cushion. I yelped and cried, there was blood and tears. Later when I looked at my sock I realised that the blood had come right through . 3 days on and the sole of my foot is still a little sore, not something I ever want to repeat, especially as a long time ago I stood on a darning needle and had to go to the local minor injuries unit to get it removed whilst using gas and air! I will be making the pin cushion as soon as it arrives and I can't thank Natasha enough for that. 

Dembe modelling my creations from last weekend!

So for now I am putting my feet up and allowing myself to chill out for a few days!

Some light relief

I am sure many of you are at the point where you just need a break from the C word ( Covid-19), some light relief as it were. The situation  has everyone at breaking point, even those who don't suffer from anxiety are starting to suffer with insomnia or anxiety. So this week I thought I would show you some of the upcycling projects hubby and I have been doing since he started his 12 weeks working from home. We are using these projects to keep busy and to stop the anxiety getting out of control.

The first project we tackled was his chest of drawers. We bought these from Facebook Market place around two years ago. They were a disgusting beige colour and had been upcycled quite poorly by the person selling them. The top of the chest of drawers hadn't been waxed or varnished and nor had the handles. We decided to continue the blue theme of his room and do them in Vintro Paints Northern star. It is such a beautifully pigmented paint, the colour is just so deep. I really am in love with them. We decided to dark wax the top and the handles which really makes the blue of the unit PoP! Sadly I have no before photos.

Spurred on by the success of this chest of drawer unit, we decided to start on my bedside cabinets. I bought these from the Devon Air Ambulance shop around a year possibly two years ago with the intention of upcycling them. Life got in the way as usual and they stayed a horrid orange pine for longer than intended.

We decided to sand the top and stain it with the dark wax. We then used Vintro Paint in the no seal chalk paint range, the colour was Beau Blue, then it was sealed using Vintro's Extreme Matt Lacquer.

We had two of these to do and I really can't get over the difference, from orange and dated to a thing of beauty. I also took the opportunity to wax the runners of the drawers. The drawers have wooden runners that were a little stiff, I remembered years ago reading about how to ensure they run smoothly by running a candle over them. I had an old candle knocking about so gave both units a good run over and the drawers come out so smoothly now I am in danger of whipping them out of the unit completely!

The next thing we tackled was the huge pine book case from the lounge. For this one we used Frenchic Furniture Paint in Duckling from the Alfresco range and used the Frenchic Browning wax on the shelves. Whilst Jay did that, I did a small pine unit that sits behind the front door. On these items we decided to use a gloss paint foam mini roller to give the items a smoother finish. Although the paint is self levelling (both the Vintro and the Frenchic ) if applied too thickly you can end up with brush marks. By using a roller it eliminates these, you just have to be careful that you don't get a build up of paint on the edges of the furniture. By using a brush you can remove these quite easily.

We had a break for a few days before starting the Tv unit. I wanted that unit done so that when I looked down that end of the lounge all that furniture was completed. I have hated this TV unit for so long I ca't remember a time when I actually liked it! Now thanks to its transformation I love it again.

Then I did a little tiny project all by myself, a cheap Amazon pine table that was at least 5 years old. That was desperately needing some love. This one had the top sanded, then one coat of clear wax, followed by a coat of dark wax ( Frenchic ) followed by another coat of clear wax ( by Rustoleum ). I then painted it in Frenchic Furniture paint ( Lazy Range ) in Wolf Whistle. I have fallen in love with this colour!

All the furniture has been given a final coat of Vintro's Extreme Matt Lacquer to ensure it can stand up to normal life in The Myasthenia Kid  household.

We still have lots of furniture to paint / upcycle and these pieces have been done over the last 3 weeks, with lots of rest days in between. Neither of us can believe how good these pieces of  furniture look now that they have had a bit of TLC. I had an inkling a lockdown maybe coming so bought all the paint in the weeks before so that should it happen we would have all our supplies here.

Just for clarification I have purchased all these products and none have been gifted to me. We really aren't that lucky! There are lots of other brands of paint out there these are just the two I like to use for our projects. 

Having the furniture to paint has helped give Mr Myasthenia Kid a much needed routine and hasn't allowed for anxiety to kick in. We have had a wobble over the weekend where he talked about going back to work. I quickly convinced him that it wouldn't be happening! 

Dembe has been brilliant whilst we have been working out in the back garden. He just sits on his chair and goes to sleep.

Websites for the paint
https://frenchicpaint.co.uk/

https://www.vintro.co.uk/

The C word

Well to be perfectly honest there isn't an awful lot to talk about other than the C word which I really didn't want to talk about for the third week on the bounce. But as things have changed dramatically here in the UK - we are now on a half arsed lock down ( I say half arsed because so many people are completely ignoring it). And now hubby will be home with me for the next 12 weeks.

Thankfully hubby isn't in the 1.5 million that the NHS have put into the the very high risk group who have been asked not to leave their homes in the next 12 weeks. He is though in the next group down which is high risk. Basically this means he is at high risk of serious complications or death should he contract Covid -19. I found this out purely by accident on Monday when discussing it with a friend and fellow moderator on Facebook when she posted a link to the Asthma UK website that had detailed information on what Asthma inhaler mean you are considered to be on immunosuppression medication. My blood ran cold as I saw on the list Symbicort the brand my husband uses daily. I dug a little deeper and calmed a little when I read the dosage required and thankfully he is nowhere near that dosage. It then lead me to then google for information regarding methotrexate as that was increased in August to 20mg. The last dose before he would have been put on injections to control his psoriasis. 

Now if I am honest I am a little cross that gp surgeries aren't checking to see what patients come under the high risk category. The very high risk group were sent a text or may still be waiting for a letter that should be with them by the 29th March. These are the people who will have the worst outcome should they contract Covid-19. People like Jays mum, who has multiple myeloma , a type of blood cancer. Thankfully Jays parents have taken the sensible precaution of self isolating for the last month. My parents are also self isolating, my dad will be 70 this year, my mum is in remission from ovarian cancer. People are having to search for the information themselves - and not all conditions are listed on it leading to a lot of confusion. Plus many people, my husband included just didn't see himself as vulnerable. His asthma is well controlled, he has been on methotrexate for 6 years without issue. He rarely takes time off sick from work, he gets the odd cold but isn't a sick person. So to now discover he was deemed high risk was a shock. A shock that he is struggling to process.

 I know that now everyone has now been told to stay in doors but for almost two weeks hubby was exposed to massive amounts of people who may or may not have been spreading this virus. It took me googling it on Monday and coming across this official NHS document to see that due to his dose of methotrexate and the co-morbidity of Asthma he was now considered high risk. The irony is he was sending all the high risk staff home from his work place last week, on full pay for 12 weeks ( 2 weeks have to be taken as holiday). The high risk group also included anyone with a BMI of 40 or over.  I am cross because he could have been home and not putting himself at risk. I am also cross with him because despite showing him the document, printing it off for him and explaining it to him, he didn't believe me. He tried to get information from the doctors surgery, he was unaware that the doctors surgery is effectively closed and you can no longer just walk in off the street. He doesn't really do social media, doesn't read the news papers and kept turning off the news, so he was blissfully unaware of what was going on outside his work bubble. Laughably he also tried ringing 111 for information and was given short shrift by the call handler who basically told him don't ring this number unless you have symptoms of Covid-19. 

So now I know for sure that he doesn't pay much attention to me when I am speaking to him as I had talked him through all of this. He seemed to think it was happening elsewhere to other people and I am guessing that is the same reaction for a lot of other people because the lock down is laughable. The roads up to the common have been busier than ever and a lot of people without dogs, with small children even babies are up there. Now I know we are allowed out to exercise but honestly if I had a new born baby I wouldn't be leaving the house and risking it's health. We are only going out to walk Dembe ( I sit in the car) because he won't poo or wee in the garden. We try to go when normally it would be quiet, as we have every day since 2004. It is like a bloody bank holiday up there. On our way to the common we saw families out on their bikes cycling together, again no dog. I am really struggling to wonder why if you had no reason to leave your home you would?

It took Boris's speech on TV on Monday night, when he called for the lock down for Jay to realise that this was serious. After Boris had stopped talking he turned to me and said," I've told XXXX ( his boss, who is lovely), that's me home for 12 weeks. I love my work but I am not dying for it." I burst into tears as I had been at my wits end with him. I couldn't get him to see how dangerous this was especially with him being asthmatic. The relief was unreal. 

However in true Mr Myasthenia Kid style the following morning he had a series of melt downs. Which  I was expecting to be honest as the longer we are together the more glaringly obvious it is becoming that he is very likely on the Autistic Spectrum. He becomes irrationally angry when confronted with change. He doesn't deviate from journey routes, dog walks, places we go etc. Literally even a suggestion of change will get my head ripped off. I learned a long time ago that unless it was life and death not to bother. He also has to have things broken down in to the minutest detail. I remember years ago when our first dog Travis was ill and in the vets, he badgered me constantly about what they were doing. I tried to give him answers but he kept on and on. In the end I lost my temper and screamed how the fuck would I know I am not a bloody vet. His anxiety was off the scale and when he feels like things have deviated from his routine his default setting is anxiety.

So despite knowing that he would be paid for his absence, he still insisted on messaging HR and having the same conversation with with them, that he had with his boss the night before. Despite also knowing the policy having sent home staff the week before. He was in a right state until he had the text from HR confirming he wouldn't lose any pay. He was in such a state I told him that we would put together a schedule for him so that he would have a routine and a plan for each day. Because without this I know he will fall into a depression. I really struggled to deal with it yesterday as Tuesday is pretty much, 99% of the time his day off. So the fact he wasn't working yesterday shouldn't have been an issue. However it was the anxiety around not working that was causing the melt down.  

It is really hard work having to stay one step ahead of him and basically have to guess what the issues are because he doesn't verbalise it. He has told me he is taking this 12 week period a day at a time rather than thinking about it as 12 weeks or even telling himself it will be June before he is back at work, is causing him to be anxious. It is such an enormous change in his life that it is sending him into melt down mode.  He is also feeling the guilt that he isn't working alongside his team, who are working in the germ soup that is a supermarket. He knows rationally that staying at work is risking his life but he feels guilty that others ( although they aren't high risk or if they are high risk have declined due to being able to work in an office) will be in that situation day in day out, to keep the country supplied with food. 

So his plans are to do some decorating, refurbishing some furniture with Tuesday's and Sundays as his days off as they would always be in a normal week because we need to keep things as normal as possible.

I am feeling a lot less anxious now that I know that he isn't being exposed to god knows what. However the stress  levels had obviously been building up over time with me and last night I came down with a migraine. Initially I had hoped I would sleep it off but at 2.15am I was woken with severe pain in the right side of my head and face. I took all my meds and then managed to get back to sleep only stirring at 4.45am when Jay got up and managing to mumble hot water bottle. I managed to stay in bed until 6.30am and then had to get up as my back was killing me. Thankfully by the time I got up the pain had reduced to that of just a bad headache and I knew by then distraction would be better than any pain killer I could take so continued with my day as usual. In the middle of the night I was cursing myself for not getting my blog post written up but thankfully even with helping ( more like supervising) Jay get the table sanded and waxed today I have still managed to get a blog post out.

I hope everyone is keeping well and safe. One day we may even look back on this and laugh, if we are lucky enough to get through it.

Take care

Dembe decided barking at the sander was the way to go! He also tried to get it to do zoomies with him, strange beast.

Sanded and waxed - the biro and lipstick marks removed and it is looking fantastic again

Merry Christmas 2019

Normally at this time of year I would take a long look back at the previous 12 months and do a summary of all that has happened. This year however its more of a case of 2019 don't let the door smack you on the arse as you make your way out. The year started with the lowest of lows and has ended with some highs. I must truly count my blessings as some of us haven't made it through this year and will not be seeing 2020 in. It is sobering when a person you have known through social media passes away and at the tender age of 25. It makes you take a breath and realise a lot of the stuff that pisses you off is simply #firstworldproblems.

So to move onto happier things here is a photo of my dear handsome boy Dembe who is my world. He has brought us so much joy in what could have been an utterly awful year. He is also the reason why last night I found out I had won a hamper of dog treats worth £80. I entered a quiz as the company we use to help us train Dembe ( and train us) Happy Dogs was celebrating 15 years of being in business this year. The first prize winner couldn't collect the prize so I was awarded it. It was a lovely surprise in a year where I have won quite a few things weirdly. I have never known a year like it for competition wins. I have won a £10 tropic skincare voucher, a bottle of Super greens skin oil by Tropic for myself and a friend ( worth £42 a bottle), I won in a prize draw on Instagram a set of three thread glosses for hand sewing that have Christmas scents. I have also had quite a nice year with the lottery having one win at £140. So I would normally say I was an unlucky person but the facts actually show me it is the complete opposite. I have some dreadfully unlucky things happen but in the grand scheme of things I can't complain at my haul.

I have also been gifted vast amounts of fabric this year by my cousin Juliet and two ladies who I am friends with on Instagram. I have been bowled over by peoples generosity which is why this week I have donated 8 Christmas stockings to children who need some Christmas cheer. This has been done through a Facebook page I am part of called XXX ( name of our town) Friends in need. We support families who have fallen on hard times mainly due to the implementation of universal credit, people donate items to the page, if you take an item you pay for it with food / grocery donations to Claire who runs it. My second hand lounge curtains that I simply adore came from this page. I donated back our old lounge curtains and got Jay to drop them off to the lady that wanted them. It has also been a good way to recycle items and prevent them going to landfill, whilst also helping those who need our help.

In the new year Jay and I will be going through the house including the loft and having a massive sort out. We will be donating what we can to the page so that families may benefit from it. It is a sad indictment of our times that people are living in poverty unable to feed their children in a country that is either 5th or 6th richest in the world. Whilst all the time the media portray those living on benefits as living in luxury and being scroungers. What I love about the friends in need page is no one judges and if they do Claire swiftly boots them from the page. Unfortunately due to the election result there will be more and more families that need our help. People really do need to remember that these days most people are one illness / accident away from poverty / losing their homes. That can't be right and it shouldn't be accepted with a shrug of the shoulders like there is nothing we can do. I always think there for the grace of god go I. 

Christmas will be a quiet affair for Jay and I as it always is. We do enjoy spending time with each other . He will be exhausted after the run up to Christmas, it is always nice just having the time to be with each other uninterrupted. 

As this time next week it will be Boxing Day in the UK ( 26th December for everyone else ) this will be my last blog post of 2019. A year which I can't say I am sad to see the back of. I will see you again on 9th January, so I can have a break over the festive period.

So despite the tragic start to the year I am ending it on a happy note and feeling extremely grateful for everything I have and the people who are in my life  are those who want to be there and don't treat me as an after thought.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a peaceful 2020.

Dreading Christmas

Despite outward appearances, the decorations are up and I have been working on Christmas sewing projects, I am dreading Christmas. I know it is going to be hard and emotionally draining. No matter how hard I try not to make a big deal out of it, I can't get away from the fact this will be the first year without Frankie and Mollie and will be the second without Willow ( our Weimaraners ) and it feels like a knife to the heart.

I feel guilty that I should be happy as we have Dembe and it is his first Christmas with us. Believe me I am but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing for the first time in 16 years our home will not have a Weimaraner in it this Christmas time. 

Travis our first Weimaraner arrived home on 13th December 2003, he was our very first dog as a couple. Although I had been brought up with dogs, budgies and Hamsters, Jay had never been allowed anything more than fish, so this was a huge deal and we loved it. Mollie arrived in January 2004 and for two years we were very happy, although Travis had been sick since he was 6 months old from an un-diagnosed illness which we now believe was Lung worm. He passed away 10 days after Willow and Frankie were born in our spare room ( now Jay's room) in 2006. It broke our hearts and I have never got over it. There are still days I can't say his name without breaking down and it has been 13 years. 

Although we knew that at age 14 and 12 Mollie and Frankie weren't going to last forever. It still came as a terrible shock when the end came and to lose Frankie on 29th December followed 7 days later by Mollie passing away from a catastrophic stroke on 5th January after 16 years of having dogs we were suddenly left with nothing.  We were incredibly lucky that I found a breeder with 2 male Labrador puppies available and that could come home by 11th January. It was quick and I know some people need more time, I still wonder now if it was the right thing to do and after all the joy Dembe has brought us I have to say yes. Although it was incredibly difficult looking after a new puppy whilst in the midst of what seemed like never ending grief.

Jay and I have spoken about the fact that we don't remember very much from this year. It isn't until the summer that we actually start to remember things that have happened in 2019. For the first 6 to 7 months everything was a blur. I am so grateful that I started The Dembe Diaries and took so many photographs as his puppyhood was over in the blink of an eye and we have few memories about it. I actually have no idea how I have managed to survive this year. I didn't know it was possible to survive such physical and emotional pain and still live. There were times I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up but I knew Dembe needed me and Jay would never cope with losing all of us. I am sure there were days that Jay felt the same but we were both so wrapped up in our own grief and it was just too much to attempt to put what we were feeling into words. 

Some people might not get this, they may not understand how you can have this level of grief over an animal and that's fine. I actually feel sorry for you if you have never had an animal in your life that you have loved more than anything else in the world. My bond with the dogs was much stronger than a lot of peoples would have been because I spent nearly everyday with them ( other than hospital admissions and medical appointments and there have been a lot of both). Even writing this post has had me in tears at times.

So I just feel like Christmas this year is about going through the motions. We keep geeing each other along in the hope it gets us through. We are planning on spoiling Dembe and making it about the three of us. I am hoping a fake it until you make it approach may get me through the festive period. Jay already confessed that he is sick of Christmas already ( not brilliant when you work in retail but highly understandable)  the forced frivolity and pretending that you are going to be having the best Christmas ever has wound him up before the season of goodwill has really begun.

I am normally really organised, I would have sent out our Christmas cards already. Posted the parcels that needed sending to family today. I don't know when it is getting done this year as neither of us really gives a shit. We have treated ourselves to a Marks & Spencer's food order, only a very small one otherwise no Christmas food would have been bought and we would be having beans on toast on December 25th ( it actually wouldn't be the first time as one year both of us came down with flu). Oh and by organised I mean that every Christmas present would have been bought and wrapped by now. This year I decided I would make them all....I am still making them and only some are wrapped. I just can't whip myself into a Christmas frenzy because I just don't give care if I am honest. Maybe later in the month I will feel it. But at the moment I am the Grinch. Christmas can go f**k itself currently.

This year we are at sixes and sevens as Jay's job has changed. Since 2008 / 09 he has had Christmas Eve off to help prep the food / house for Christmas day. His old job meant he wasn't needed in work, his new job means he is. So the first time in a decade I won't have my trusty side kick with me on Christmas Eve. It is going to be strange, no Weimaraners pushing me off the sofa or leaving the back door open and no husband. It just adds to the sense of massive change this Christmas brings. I will have to find my Muppets Christmas Carol DVD and sit and watch that. 

We have changed the dresser over to our Christmas Emma Bridgewater Pottery display. Out of everything that is the one thing that gives us joy. We got the majority of our Christmas items when we took a day trip to the factory in 2017. It was a very special day, even though I did worry myself sick about leaving the dogs ( with a sitter, thank you Imogen) for that amount of time. We also got to meet our friend Emmey and her husband Mike ( and their doggies) which was a really lovely add on. This year we decided to spread some of the pottery over onto the bookcase as well. I couldn't bring myself to take down the dogs photos to make room for our Christmas display. It probably sounds silly but it just felt wrong. I am pleased with how the lounge is looking and if anyone visits we look the epitome of Mr & Mrs Christmas.....even if we don't feel like it.

We are trying to make it special for Dembe as a way of getting us through it. On Saturday we are taking him to meet Santa Paws and getting his photo taken. It does make me laugh a little bit as that is something we would never have managed to do with the Weimaraners unless we took them down separately as they were really badly behaved when they were outside the house. Dembe is an angel but to be fair it is much easier training one dog than trying to train 2 or 3 . Plus we have invested so much training time in Dembe, taking proper classes run by a professional rather than the rubbish we attended in the past with Mollie and Travis where we learned nothing as how can you get individual attention or help in a group of 15 dogs plus going around in circles at a village hall. We said right from the off he had to be trained and be exceptionally well behaved when working and that is exactly what we have got. But then you get back what we put in and every day is a school day with Dembe.

Believe me I am not anti Christmas, I normally like Christmas - I am not a Christmas lover as generally I find it never lives up to the hype. But I love spending time with Jay and well it used to be dogs plural but now just dog. We have always done what we wanted at Christmas . This year though its overshadowed with the sense of loss. Hopefully Christmas 2020 will be better, easier less painful. Just this one is going to hurt. It is the not knowing how much it will hurt that is bothering me, which is why I am dreading Christmas 2019.

Sabbatical

I have decided to give myself a sabbatical, it is quite rare these days that I take a break from blogging but I feel like I am juggling so many balls in the air at the moment that I need to just step back for a bit and allow myself to just be. So the next blog post after today will be posted on 14th November 2019.

I have a crazy couple of weeks happening and I seriously don't know when I will find the time to blog and do it to a standard that I am happy with. I will still be doing The Dembe Diaries during this time, which you can find here, that is published each Monday morning and lets you know what Dembe has been up to the previous week from his training to his general antics. As that is just a straight forward copy of the paper diary I keep it requires no brain power! 

Next week it is my birthday, followed by hubbys. We then on the following week have a myriad of medical appointments, I have the dentist and my check up at the eye hospital and then a trip down to see our parents. I know after those three days I will be wiped out and I don't want the pressure of worrying about producing a blog post. 

I also have a mountain of Christmas presents to make and I am getting stressed / panicky about not being able to achieve it all. I know in reality I will and if I dont we can buy gifts. But I had my heart set on making everything. So by taking away the pressure to produce a blog post for the 31st October and 7th November just gives me a bit of breathing space.

I am also trying to practice what I preach and ensure that I start putting myself first for a change. I tend to put my own physical and emotional needs well down the list of priorities and get so surprised when I am burnt out or suffering from migraines / a flare up of PoTs symptoms. Sometimes you just need to cut down on what you are doing or how thinly you are spreading yourself around. I don't mind all the sewing I have to do as I enjoy that, I just can't be the one picking up the pieces for people who don't give me a second thought when I am no longer present. I have cleared away the negative and have decided that moving forward the moment I feel taken advantage of I will say. Rather than bottling it up and exploding at a later date.

Things have to change so from now and especially from 2020 I have decided

Far too many times I see people especially women filled with the belief that they aren't good enough because of the way they are made to feel by others. If anyone makes you feel like that then they aren't good enough for you. 

On a happier note Dembe swam for the first time last week and Mr Myasthenia Kid managed to capture it on his phone.

I was so proud of our baby. He has always loved water but he has never been brave enough to swim until last week. I wish I could have seen it in person, c'est la vie!

Anyway that's enough of me rambling, I shall be back in a fortnight. Hopefully with more energy and lots to tell you. Until then take care of yourselves!

Life Laundry - moving on.

Me and Travis

I don't know what it is about October but it seems to be a catalyst for me to have a look at my life and change things. Remove those things that are causing me unhappiness / hurt. To assert myself and decide that those who do not treat me with respect will no longer have that option. I have no idea what makes me so brave in October, maybe it is because it is my birthday the following month? Is it because I don't want another year of feeling unhappy, unworthy, stressed out by people or things or events? Maybe I just don't want another birthday where I compromise and don't put myself and my happiness first?  October as I have written about before is a month of sadness for me, even more so this year as it is full of anniversaries now of dogs and people I have lost. 

First it is my Grans birthday, I miss her more than I imagined I would. That may sound strange but for much of my childhood she was someone I spoke to on the phone and perhaps saw twice a year as she lived at the other end of the country. I stupidly believed that life would continue on as normal when the time came but I have to admit there have been so many occasions that I have gone to ring her and realised that she is no longer here. She would have loved Dembe, she loved dogs and told me on more than one occasion that if she had owned Buster ( her dog ) first she would never have had children. I miss her sense of humour and Jamie's face when he tried to speak to her on the phone but struggled due to her Aberdonian accent.

The following day it would have been the babies - Frankie's and Willow's 13th birthday. I wasn't really conscious that day due to the hemiplegic migraine I came down with. I knew it was coming and I was feeling sad so I do wonder if both those anniversaries triggered or played a part in triggering the migraine. It wasn't something either of us was talking about it was the elephant in the room. Plus that birthday is shared by our niece who was celebrating her 30th birthday which left us feeling ancient. She was just 8 years old when I met Jamie. 

Today 16th October Dembe celebrates his 11 month birthday. He has celebrated in style this morning by having his very first swim in a pond on the common. He has been really funny about water outside of the home, he leaps over or avoids puddles at all costs. He would barely get his feet wet by paddling in ponds when very small and ran away from the sea when we took him down the beach.  So to hear he has had a swim is really funny. Unfortunately Jay thought he had videoed the event on his phone but when he came back to show me, he had taken about 1 seconds worth of footage. It's not the end of the world Dembe will probably now be a regular swimmer and Jay will take better footage. 

I'm glad that it is only this year that we count the months of Dembe's age. As our first dog Travis passed away on 17th October 2006, 13 years ago and in all those years there is not a day that goes by when he doesn't pop into my head. Of course I know that the chances are that he would have passed away by now but to lose a dog before his 3rd birthday is a unique kind of hurt. When you get a puppy you expect to have at least 10 good years with them. Believe me those ten years fly by. If you get longer, which we have been incredibly lucky to do with Mollie ( Travis' sister), Frankie and Willow, (Mollies children), the loss isn't so hard to bear. Its tough believe me especially losing Frankie and Mollie within 7 days of each other. I have said it before and I shall say it again, I thought I would drop dead from the pain of it all. However the pain you feel when they don't reach that milestone of ten years is a pain like no other. I don't think I will ever be able to say that the pain has truly gone.

October 25th marks Travis' birthday, we first saw him when he was three days old. At that point we had no idea which pup would be our boy but his name was already chosen and we were so excited already that we were having problems sleeping. It seemed such a grown up thing to be doing, even though we were both 29! Three days after his birth on a Tuesday we moved into our home and have been here ever since. I can't believe it has been 16 years already, it still feels like it was just a few years ago. But the little boy two doors down is now coming up for 21 and works and the same place hubby does.

There doesn't seem to be a week in October that doesn't hold a significant anniversary. For years I always used to hate October, I would start to feel down the minute the clock struck midnight on October 1st. I would just feel sadder and sadder until the 17th and then I would spend that day blubbering on and off, trying to deal with the overwhelming grief that I felt over losing Travis. Some years are easier than others. Last year it was a terrible day, I sat on the sofa all day crying being comforted by Frankie not realising how little time I had left with him. This year it doesn't feel so bad. Probably because we have our little ray of sunshine Dembe to keep us on our toes. He is such a happy dog it is pretty impossible to stay sad for more than a few moments as he will do something that will either melt your heart or make you dissolve into fits of laughter. I also think after going through that double loss at the start of the year all other grief / pain pales into insignificance.

Whilst October has for many years been a sad month for me, it also has become a significant milestone for my friendships. I am an extremely loyal friend who will fight to the death for you. I am the place you run to when you need help or comfort. Wrongly I put you before me and sometimes individuals take advantage of this and abuse my friendship. I don't deliberately ever plan to sit and take stock of my friendships at this point in the year. It seems to be something that happens. I think it is because with my birthday the following month I think to myself "would I want to spend my birthday with this person?" Would I feel comfortable accepting a gift from them knowing how I feel about them?" I normally just look at the people I have been moaning to Mr Myasthenia Kid. He will tell me quite honestly if this is a conversation we have had many times before. He will ask me "if next year will we be having the same discussion?" Some years I do nothing, I soldier on determined to make the best of things as due to my health conditions friends who come and see me are in short supply. I do have wonderful friends on Instagram and Facebook but sometimes you need to actually speak to someone, share physical space with them. If it has got to the point where I don't want to spend time with a person and would rather spend days on end alone then I know it is time to move on. Be it a friendship of two years or twenty. I have no desire to flog a dead horse. I won't beg, I won't demand, I just leave and move on with my life. I have done it before, I will probably do it many times.

I don't expect much from friendship, I certainly don't expect to be the centre of your universe, we all have our own lives and all the demands placed on them. I do expect to be more than an afterthought. I do expect manners, loyalty and respect. I also like communication, conversation that is two way. I will hold my hand up and admit I can be crap at remembering to message people but I do make an effort for those who I consider in my  close circle. I will always be there for my friends like they are for me. 

To be fair it's not just my friendships that have come under scrutiny in this life laundry. I have done a lot of sorting out of clothes, belongings etc Donating a lot to charity as both hubby and I are on a diet and so much of our clothing has become tent like. I have been taking a look at each room and trying to reduce the clutter. It seems again to be a pattern of mine in October! probably because I want the house looking nice for our birthdays or Christmas.

As a friend told me its Life Laundry, as in it's a spring clean of relationships. You get rid of the crap and the unnecessary. As she said "it's tough but necessary" and she is right. You shouldn't cling to things that no longer make you happy.  

I already feel so much happier and uncluttered. Even though there is a huge anniversary for me tomorrow I am not facing it with the usual dread.  It is time to move on.

Frankie

Mollie and Willow

Gran & me